Thursday, January 27, 2011

sometimes I can't stop them...

the fears... and the tears... yesterday I blogged about how the fear gets me from the perspective of the "cop's wife" part of me... this post was brought on by the recent fatalities of Law Enforcement Officers - LEO's - all over the country... 11 (or was it 13?) in just 24 hours? 15 fatalities of LEO's already this year? You can read that post if you'd like HERE. and then last night? I had a dream... I only remember parts of it... but they are the worst parts... the parts I remember... the parts that bring the fear to the surface...

in this dream I'm not getting "the call" or a visit from other officers telling me that hubs isn't coming home... instead we're at the funeral service, and I'm standing in front of Hubs' casket, holding Goose, who is trying to get out of my arms to snuggle with Papa... Papa who will soon be buried and physically gone... she wants her Papa, wants him to tickle her, pretend to be sleeping only to growl and munch on her little cheeks and under her chin, but he can't... and he never will again. She struggles to reach him, to tickle him, to give him hugs and kisses, but I can't let her... it breaks my heart.


we're home alone... just us two... she's asking me "where Papa go? where Papa go Momma? Papa wook?" and I can't answer... my stomach is in knots... the lump is in my throat... and I don't know what to say... how do I tell her that Papa is gone... she's only 2... how do it I do it... I hold her as I cry... she's so confused... she can't understand... I can't understand...

and then her cries wake me... Hubs is sleeping next to me, the dog is curled up at my feet... I quickly go down the stairs to snuggle my Goose into my arms... and then back upstairs we go, snuggling her into our bed between Papa & Momma... I snuggle her close and drift back off into a dreamless sleep...

most nights I don't dream, or don't remember that I have... but sometimes they come, and they cause me such sadness and pain, so much that it's hard to remember that it is just a dream... and I can't stop them...

4 comments:

5ohWifey said...

I've absolutely been feeling this way too. After everything that's has happens lately I think we all can relate. It was even featured on the TV show southland this week. Praying for all police & their families out there

Michelle said...

What a terrible dream! That is the kind of awful dream that sticks with you and terrifies you. I pray that your hubby is always kept safe and brought home safe and sound to you and Goose every night.

Hungrigyrl said...

I just found your other blog! Sounds like an awful dream. My hubby just has the philosophy that when his time's up, there isn't a lot he can do...it's a scary job they do, and it's horrible to hear about cops getting killed. All we can do is pray they stay safe each day and come home their families at night. (hugs)

Maria Delgado said...

Bad dreams can really mess u up. I haa nightmare the other night and I was a wreck for hours after.

Prayin for ya.