Monday, August 2, 2010
some nights, the frustration leads to guilt...
it's been a long day, Goose & I were up at 6:15am to have breakfast at the restaurant in my hometown (we stayed the night with my parents - thank goodness!) before dropping her off at my aunt's house to spend the day while I golfed in a family memorial golf outing - registration started at 8am, tee-off at 9am... we golfed in the gorgeous (hot) weather - and had a great dinner which G was able to come enjoy with me before heading back out to my parents to get all of our stuff, then to my sister's to pick up the dog before heading home... we didn't get home until almost 8pm. Dropped the dog off at home, unpacked a few things, ran some errands and called it a night. G caught an hour nap on the way home & during errands, so of course she wasn't ready for bed at bedtime... or an hour later... but I laid down with her anyway, hoping she would zonk out... an hour later she's still putting her feet in my face, giggling, standing up, crawling all over me... and I get frustrated... I'm tired, sunburned, fighting a headache and still have work to do on the computer and around the house. So I snap. I tell her "it's bedtime. you need to lay down." and I get up - yet she stands up and cries and signs "milk" so I give in... I get her a bottle, but I'm still frustrated, so instead of cuddling her close while she drinks, I lay her down in her little toddler bed, hand her the bottle and go sit in the rocker/recliner across the room... halfway through she starts to get down, but I lay her back down and tell her she needs to stay there. I give her paci to her when she finishes, and go back to the chair... she cries, and cries, and cries... harder & harder... she wants me. she cries so hard that she makes herself vomit... and still, I'm frustrated. I get her out of her bed, wipe her up, take her sheets & lovey off the bed and go start the laundry... in the basement... as she stands in the kitchen, beyond the closed door crying for me. when I get back upstairs her eyes are red-rimmed, her cheeks are wet, she looks so sad, and she's still crying for momma... and THAT is when the guilt hits. my poor girl. she just wanted her momma, and I was too busy being frustrated to comfort her... I pick her up, cuddle her close, and she's asleep against my chest in less than 5 minutes... I cuddle her sleeping self for 15 more minutes before I put her back in bed... this time she sleeps... and yet, I'm feeling like a terrible mom... and I'm heading to bed disappointed in myself, and saddened.
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3 comments:
I'm sorry you're feeling guilty... it happens. Try not to beat yourself up too much. Hug her a little closer this morning and recognize you aren't perfect and all you can do is do your best. Sometimes that means you're frustrated. Hang in there.
The one thing that I have learned so far with the Captain is that whatever happens, you get to start over again the next day. Some nights as I'm putting her to sleep, I actually say to her, "I'm sorry about today and I promise I will do better tomorrow." Because that's all I can do. I firmly believe this is why they don't remember things this early on--by the time they can recall stuff, we'll look like we actually have our stuff together.
Accept that you're human and that it is OK to be frustrated some of the time. It doesn't make you a terrible mother, it makes you a real person.
Aww, everybody has days/nights like that. Its hard to have all the patience we need with them all the time. I agree with what Ann said, she won't remember it and I'm sure by the next day she was over it.
Its so hard, and I don't know about you but I feel like people are always telling me that I "give in" to my Bug too easily and "baby" him too much (he's my only baby and he's ONE, what am I supposed to do?)...so then I try to be "tough" you know, to teach him, well, whatever I'm supposed to be teaching him-I guess that Mommy's not going to pick him up every time he whimpers? and then he gets upset and I feel terrible and guilty because, like you said, all he wants is his momma and usually as soon as I pick him up, he's happy again.
This mom stuff...there's always something we're trying to figure out, huh? :)
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