knowledge is power...

or so the saying goes... and I'm hoping in this case it's true...

y'all know how we've been having biting issues, I mean, it's no secret that my previous few posts weren't exactly happy little joyful posts... they were the ramblings of a disheartened, frustrated, concerned momma... yet today, I have information. more information than I previously had, and the information is good news, and it's helpful, and (I hope) powerful... because it's going to take something powerful to get over this problem... I'm sounding cryptic confusing the hell out of you aren't I? sorry... let me explain hopefully without rambling all over & back while also confusing you even more...

okay, so in the last month I've:

• taken Goose to the doctor, chatted with doctor, left office feeling reassured that this IS normal (and also, Goose is definitely getting 2yr molars in) keep doing what we're doing, things will be okay, this too shall pass. fabulous. felt a lot better though - we love our doctor, she's AMAZING.
• wondered how long Goose would be kept secluded from the rest of the kids in her classroom, while wondering how it was affecting her, or if she even cared. (ended up being about 4ish weeks... and there was a higher level of concern for her well-being on my part the longer it lasted)
• started feeling worse about G being separated, and wondering how it was affecting her at daycare, as it was starting to cause issues at home. i.e. - very clingy, whiny, always had to be held, nightmares started again, stopped sleeping in her own bed, wouldn't let Hubs put her back to bed/sleep when waking in the night, waking more often in the night, talking less, etc.
• contacted a friend of mine who also does deep background checks on child-care providers, seminars on choosing childcare, and other matters relating to children, consulting with daycares and parents on issues they're having, and evaluating programs - to name a few, to see if she would be interested in checking out Goose's situation/daycare to see if she noticed things that the daycare was missing (this with the owner's blessing & support)
• started feeling worse about G's situation after sister attended a class on "guidance & discipline" where she was told that the separation was unacceptable, and that it would cause G serious emotional damage the longer it went on...
• cried. a lot.
• consulted with friend again, providing sister's examples and asking friend's thoughts... her thoughts: depended on how G was feeling about being separated. sometimes it bothered her, sometimes it didn't. most likely against "licensing" regulations, but alternative was most likely being kicked out and bouncing Goose around to different daycares... lesser of two evils?
• friend did official consultation, spending 4 hours one morning, and 2 hours a different afternoon in the classroom observing & taking notes. she also watched 2 hours of video we took at home so she could compare G's personality, character & actions between home & daycare. she learned LOTS. (also learned that owner of daycare watched the video before friend arrived to observe & claim the DVD... I didn't give permission, but neither did she ask it, and nor did I ask her NOT to watch it... still not sure how I feel about that whole thing...)
• had some personal issues with owner based on some mis-communication and misunderstandings on both of our parts related to consultation and costs and how we were handling the situation - was pretty shocking and out of the blue...but we're okay now... (I think)
• calmed sister who was getting very aggressive about Goose's situation (on G's behalf of course...) she felt better after hearing friend had been in to evaluate & observe
• chatted a few times with friend answering questions about thing Goose did or didn't do at home, at school, on the video, etc.... chatted with sister about things friend observed to see if she had noticed any of the same things (she had! bad momma - I hadn't!!)
• was given some additional info from sister (she has connections as well - to DHS Department of Human Services and Early On Assistance Program) about Goose possibly qualifying for Early On, not that they think she has a learning delay or disability exactly, (she could just be shy) or she might just not have the words she needs to communicate her feelings, wants & needs, or she could also have a socio-emotional or sensory disorder...
• asked friend about the Early On stuff... got her thoughts & opinions...

and finally, today, on my lunch break I chatted with her again. in about an hour she will be presenting her official report to the owner of the daycare center, and then we'll talk again, but pretty much, this is what we learned:

Goose is way smart. (which is hopefully going to be my biggest problem with her for many years to come - in that she's always thinking, and thinking about how to manipulate the situation to get the outcome she wants... she's a smarty pants... too smart for her britches!! she's also very strong - which is unrelated, but still, there it is.) It appears that Goose enjoys playing with her friends at times, but she also really enjoys playing without her friends quite often. however, she doesn't have the communication skills to relay this information, and when overwhelmed she instead bites. well, she gives a few signals first... when she's feeling overwhelmed, anxious or frustrated she pulls on her fingers... when she's bored or trying to avoid listening she licks her lips. a.lot. (I'm not talking just a lick of the lips. I'm talking a full-on as-far-as-the-tongue-will-reach swiping of the lips... multiple times - so much that her lips and surrounding face-area were getting multiple-a-day applications of lanolin to combat the chapping) and also - she chews her tongue in these situations as well. (I'd noticed the lip-licking, but not the finger pulling or chewing on lips, cheeks & tongue... friend explained that she just might not DO these things at home, as she is less likely to get to those feelings having less competition for adult attention, and toys, etc... made me feel a little better, but still, I started watching for it at home... only saw any finger pulling once, and no chewing.)

It isn't related to her teething, and it's not even a reaction to frustration - as there were several instances where she was pushed, knocked down or had a toy taken from her (all things that would often lead to a bite in many situations, with many kids) and she didn't even react at all... her teachers told my friend that there were times when she would be playing or snuggling with another child, and be perfectly happy, and THAT is when the bite would occur... she was also observed getting anxious when surrounded by too many kids, after playing with one or two for a little while - like she was tired of playing with them, and ready to play by herself - but didn't know how to tell anyone... soooo...

We're going to work on making sure her teachers & caretakers are aware of (and on the lookout for) her "signals" and we're also going to work on helping her with her communication skills - both sign and verbal... and I think I'm also going to contact Early On to see if they can at least check things out and see what they think. (friend said that she actually might not qualify, as she's sooo smart, and she doesn't think there is any type of developmental delay, but that they might be able to help with the communication issues, and it never hurts to ask!) So. that's my power. I mean knowledge. which I hope is power. and powerful. because I'm tired of all the biting, the stress, the worry, concern, frustration... oh, and of sleeping with a toddler who moves like crazy in the night.*

So, we'll see where this power knowledge gets us... keeping my fingers crossed, and my prayers coming...and I'm interested and curious as to how the owner will react to the report, and where we will go from here... now I'm anxious to hear how that meeting goes!

*when I say "moves like crazy" you can read that as in CLIMBS, ROLLS, KICKS, SMACKS, ELBOWS, LAYS ON MY HEAD and more of the like... ALL.WHILE.ASLEEP. *sigh* oh well, she won't be sleeping with me when she's 5... right? right?

my heart aches...

I sit here and complain about issues we're having, sleep we're losing, things that are bothersome, but easy to deal with, and they're a normal part of life... what this family is going through, is not bothersome. it's not a normal part of life. well, death is, but no parent should have to deal with the death of their child/ren... and to read the posts, and see that their faith is still so strong in the face of so much sadness, and wrongness... it's just heartbreaking, and also inspiring... please, if you're a prayerful person, keep the Matthews family and little Ezra in your prayers... they need all that they can get...

it gets worse before it gets better?

I think I've heard that before? I'm really hoping that it's true, and that the worst is here & gone quickly... in 21 months of parenting (tomorrow) I think this is definitely my most trying time... Saturday while at my parents' house Goose was playing with my niece CJ unsupervised and bit her, hard. Hard enough that she still had marks, missing skin & little scabs yesterday, 2 days after the fact... my sister &I got into a big fight about it, because she & BIL didn't think I did/am doing enough to discipline her, and I'm not much into physical punishment (although I have tried both spanking and biting her back - as suggested to me by many, many people - neither worked anyway... she laughed when I spanked her, and bit me back when I bit her... *sigh*) G also bit children two days in a row at daycare last week, and again yesterday... and then last night while at a friend's birthday party she laid her head on my lap, then out of no-where bit ME. I'm frustrated, upset, at a loss - I just don't know to do. I try to stick with the routine they do at daycare, to keep things consistent, but even this morning her teacher told me that because the biting has increased, they are going to keep Goose a little more isolated from the rest of the class until it decreases again... which totally sucks. I'm absolutely for it, as I don't know how else to deal with the issue, and other than just kicking her out (which they aren't even considering at this point - they love her & say that she's super sweet the rest of the time, they just can't narrow down the triggers) it's the only way that they can think to get it to stop...

I get both my sister's point of view (heck, I'm upset CJ's being bit as well - I feel horrible) and also theirs at daycare (the safety of ALL the children is their top priority) and I just wish that there were some magical "cure" or something... I wish we knew the trigger, so we could take steps to prevent it/them from happening... I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I'm feeling pretty helpless also, as she almost never bites at home... and it had been a little while since she'd bitten CJ... and we'd gone three days at daycare in a row without any attempts... I thought things were getting better... they're not. They seem to be getting worse...

I did put in a call to G's doctor this morning asking for any suggestions, or advice, or ANYTHING! I'm just waiting for a call-back... I know that daycare is limited in how they discipline children (no physical punishment, etc.) and although my mom's suggestions of the things that worked with us when we misbehaved (washing mouth out with soap, squirting her in the mouth with vinegar water) might work (?) that's not something that can be done at daycare either - and happens rarely enough at home that I don't know when I might next have the opportunity to try it... but I'm up for trying almost anything at this point. well, anything short of ya know, beating my child ;)

thankfully my sister & I are okay again, not before several angry texts and lots of tears, but we're good after chatting this morning... the girls will be under constant supervision when playing together from now on (they usually are anyway, but they were left alone briefly when the latest incident occurred.) I guess I'm just going to keep praying that it gets better soon... and that this is the worst of this stage...

if it's not one thing, it's another... this bites.

literally.

we finally seemed to be done with the nightmare thing, Goose is sleeping again, fairly regularly and well (not straight through the night or anything, but a LOT better than several weeks ago) and things were getting back to normal-ish...

until yesterday morning... when I got a call from G's teacher letting me know that she'd bitten someone else... and made a second attempt... *sigh* I was bummed, as she'd been doing so well with not biting lately (of course - as soon as you think you're done, it comes back to bite you in the bum - no pun intended.) previously someone would just let me know when I picked her up that she'd had an incident or whatever, but they're making some changes in the toddler room, including a log of when biting/hitting/etc. occur, to try to track the events and see if there is a pattern perhaps... one of the other changes is that now instead of being told at the end of the day, they're now calling the parents to let them know... so yesterday morning, which had started out rough anyway - didn't improve at all. thankfully, Goose did great the rest of the day, no more incidents!

until about 10am... when I got another call... again, from G's teacher, telling me that G had bit... again. but this time - for the first time ever - she bit another child on.the.face. I'm upset. I'm frustrated. I'm concerned (both for the other child, and about Goose too.) G's teacher said that this time she and another child were really getting into each others' space, and it just happened...(teacher saw it happening from across the room, but couldn't get to them quickly enough to prevent/stop it.) What am I doing wrong? What is causing her to bite others? She almost never bites at home... almost never meaning that it's happened a few times, but I can't even recall the last time... she's been doing so well lately... maybe I jinxed her... I don't know.

thankfully her daycare is used to this type of thing in this age range, thankfully also - she's not the only one biting (ohthankgoodness) and her teachers are handling the situation as they're best able, they also reassure me that it's really NOT my fault, that there really isn't anything that I can do (well, unless she's doing it at home too, but we've covered that already, so, nothing I can do!) and that this too, shall pass... you know, eventually.

ugh. so frustrating, upsetting... *sigh* help.

nightmares?

so, what I originally chalked up to toddler-regression type sleep issues, I'm now thinking could instead be nightmares... I have no idea what in the world E would have been exposed to at this age that would cause her to have nightmares, but - it's the most likely explanation I can come up with... for example:

usually when she's hitting developmental milestones or teething & such - her sleep is crap, and when she is awake she's clingy, fussy, somewhat whiny.... BUT - she sleeps a bit, and when she wakes up she fusses until Hubs or I get her out of bed or grab her some milk... that's NOT how she's been the past few weeks...

lately she does NOT want to go "night night" - ever. it takes laying down with her (or cuddling/rocking her, or taking her to bed with me) to get her to fall asleep... and the whole time she's clutching my finger. and when she wakes? wow. she wakes up sobbing and gets out of bed, runs to the door, and screams & sobs as she tries to turn the knob until Hubs or I opens it to let her out... upon the opening of the door she appears with arms outstretched, wild, terrified eyes, and uncontrollable sobs... once she's in our arms however - it is like someone flipped a magic switch. she's back asleep (with or without finger in her grasp) almost immediately... kinda like "oh, I'm safe, I can sleep now"... and even if we lay together in her bed, or ours she still wakes up screaming - but she can immediately grab for me/Hubs and is right back asleep...

so, I have no idea what's going on... I thought she was too young for nightmares, but Hubs brought her up to bed with me at 5:40am yesterday, and when he came back up to kick us out so he could go to bed at 6:45am Goose was smiling in her sleep... and then she started giggling.... and she giggled some more... all while completely.asleep. I know this because Hubs tried to wake her up by tickling her, playing with her feet, her hair... nothing. she didn't budge... so I guess she was dreaming, and if she's dreaming good dreams, I guess it's just as likely that she's dreaming bad dreams... I wonder if anyone else has experienced this... I wonder if our doctor would have any words of wisdom for us...

and I want another one?

yikes. I had thought after the sheer madness of no sleep & clingy cranky toddler we went through the weekend before last that we were due for a break.. yet apparently that isn't the case (and seriously - WHY is it that Goose's WORST nights are always when Hubs is working?? he's pulling OT tonight - and the longest period of time she's slept for is an hour. over the last 3.5 hours. the shortest - 5ish minutes.) and I could really, really use a break one of these nights...ya know, just for a little while, so I can do something ... like sleep. :)

I've tried laying with her, letting her hold my hand, sitting in the rocker/recliner in her room and quietly "shushing" her (yeah. after the 7th or 8th time she climbed out of bed to come stand in front of me - I decided that really wasn't working. huh. I'm clearly brilliant. observant too.) rubbing her back, patting her back...

First I was sympathetic, I held her for a few minutes, calmed her down, had her almost asleep - and then as soon as I laid her down - she was up & crying and reaching for me... Next I tried just rubbing her back and then patting it after she'd nodded off... The next time I sat back in the chair after laying her back in bed and quietly saying "it's time for night-night, lay down Goose, go to sleep"... the time after that I was less patient "Goose - no no. lay down. don't get off that be-NO." *sigh* the time after that I sat there and told her she needed to get back in bed (yeah. it didn't work.) and this last time, just 6 minutes ago - I let her hold my hand while I crouched next to her bed, my feet & toes going numb... and once she'd rolled over still clutching my fingers, I started to slowly extricate them... just a moment ago she moved & whimpered softly... (I heard her on the monitor)...

I texted Hubs - who is blissfully working (okay, I don't know that any cop works blissfully, but in my mind tonight - it's more blissful than dealing with a screaming toddler who refuses to sleep, yes - I do have quite the imagination don't I?) the following message:

"If I'm still asleep in the recliner when you get home will you make sure I get up for work please? your daughter isn't cooperating in the sleep department."

his (humorous, I'm sure.) reply: "no"

mine back: "thanks for nothing"

H: "pshh"

M: "don't pshh me until you've spent multiple nights doing the single parent thing with a toddler who won't sleep for more than an hour - if that. kiss.mine." (yes, I do get irritable when tired. apparently Goose takes after her momma. oh wait, hubs does too. double dose.)

H: "and you want another."

M: "not yet. but yes. and still, kiss my bum right now. be safe. love you."

gotta love the late-night fatigue-induced love-filled texts eh? oh well... I'm wondering though if those will be my famous last words... I want another one? what.am.I.thinking.

oh, I remember. I'm thinking that I want Goose to grow up with her very own built-in best friend like I had... someone to play, fight, laugh & cry with... someone who will always love her - and she them, even if they don't like each other sometimes... someone who will be there for her, through the good times and bad times, the thick & thin, someone to stand up for, and who will also have her back... someone to bring even more love & joy into all of our lives... THAT is what I am thinking...

ya know, in a while... after Goose is potty trained and sleeping through the night... a year? two? I don't know for sure, but I do know that it's not yet. ;)

going to head up to try to get some sleep before the Tiny Terror is awake again... crossing my fingers that all the crying and climbing in & out of bed wore her out and she'll sleep for a few hours at least... cross your fingers eh?

free publicity?

you remember how I guest blogged over at Mrs. G.I. Joe's blog a couple weeks ago? well today I got a message from her about how HER blog was mentioned on a military website - BECAUSE of my post - crazy (and kinda awesome too! for both of us!) maybe we'll get some new readership out of it (or not, either way is fine - I love the readers I have now!! if I never get anymore I'll live) ;) anyway - here's the brief mention if you're interested :)

oh sh!t

about 10 minutes ago Goose tells me "poh eee" urgently - so we go into the bathroom, I pull down her pants, she rips off her diaper and sits on her potty chair for, oh... about 20 seconds. then she's up and about playing with the toilet paper, climbing in the empty tub, back out to sit on the potty, and so on. she's got a little rash around her diaper area & belly, so I figure a few minutes going diaper free will be fine... yeah.

5 minutes ago she comes running to me with her hands in the air... and they're covered in... oh my gosh - what is that?? it's kinda dark brownish... ACK! poo!

yes. I found the rest of it on her bedroom floor... along with some pj bottoms she'd pulled out of her drawer and tried to clean it up with. lovely. and also, ick!

she's cleaned up (and diapered! and pantsed!) and the poo is cleaned up, and I'm cleaned up, and yet, I still find myself looking at her hands (and my own) repeatedly to be sure I didn't miss any poo...

oh babyshit.

repeat previous post...

well. not exactly - but pretty darn close... finally found something other than a bottle of milk that Goose could actually eat/drink - FROZEN GRAPES. (it's like a miracle cure!) they aren't so frozen that they're rock hard, yet they stay cold enough to provide her poor tender gums some relief (as well as actually getting food in her! hooray!)

she had a great day at daycare yesterday, so that was good - but the rest of the evening & night - a DISASTER. she woke up 4 times in a two-hour period - ended up giving her ibuprofen again (twice.) which I really don't like - but nothing else was working - her teething tablets didn't seem to touch it, then she'd been crying so much her belly was full of gas, so I gave her some gas drops, ugh. I hate giving her all sorts of meds & crap. the second dose of ibuprofen though? the one I gave her at 12:30am so we could both get some sleep? nope. it was like crack. seriously. she was bouncing.off.the.walls. (it was a relief that she was happy and not screaming non-stop, but seriously. CRACK.) I finally got her to sleep at 3:30am... (in my bed this time!)

...and she was awake and crying again before 7am, not.fun. I was able to cuddle her back to sleep for a little while, and she was doing okay when we got up - but today has been a lot of off & on happy vs. sobbing (all her, I'm just feeling badly that she's so miserable, as well as feeling MEGA guilty because I'm frustrated that I can't get anything done. yes, I just got her down for a nap and instead of doing the millions of things I need to be doing - like actual PAID work on this here computer, as well as house work - I'm here. why? because I procrastinate. and also - hubs is working, my parents are at a wedding, my sister is at a different wedding, and I've no-one to commiserate with... except Facebook... and they can only take so much of my whining I think... so yeah. oh, actually got some scrambled eggs down her as well this morning - and frozen grapes & blueberries (frozen fruit FTW!!) *hanging head* AFTER another dose of ibuprofen. her first bite without it - heartbreaking sobs. could.not.handle.

as soon as she's up again (I'm sure it won't be long. praying I'm wrong.) we're going to attempt to run a few errands and pick up more eggs, milk & training pants... we'll see how it goes though. for now - I need to get some threads posted for my steady-paying side job... cuz ya know - don't get paid if I don't do the work. better get working!

last night... we gave in

to the help of pain meds that is... well, and Goose herself.

I knew yesterday morning that something was going on, as she hadn't slept the greatest Wednesday night (as in, she refused to let Hubs get her back to sleep when she woke up around 3am... she cried until he brought her up to our bed to cuddle up with Momma) and when we left the house and got in the car she was fussy and crying, which is not the norm - she's usually thrilled to "go!" anywhere. she also cried and tried to prevent being put in her carseat - also unusual for her...

then in the afternoon I went to an event on my lunch hour advocating children's health & education and ran into the Director (Miss J) from her daycare, who said that G was having a rough day (translate that to read: had bitten other kid/s TWICE already) but she reassured me that they were keeping an eye on her & the rest of the kids, as well as were implementing a "bite log" to start keeping track of the kids' biting habits to see if there is any type of pattern. I headed back to work fairly unconcerned, it's not the first time she's bitten, and they know what they are doing.

well.... when I arrived to pick her up around 5:30 I found her in the arms of Miss J herself (who really is awesome and we love lots) and she looked unhappy :( Miss J said that she'd ended up having bitten FIVE times throughout the day, didn't nap well and had been crying for me for the last hour (WAY unusual!! she hasn't cried for me since the first month we started her there - 9 months ago!) and she thought perhaps G wasn't feeling the best... she did feel a little warm to me, and cried the entire 10 minute car ride home...

once we arrived home she was cranky, fussy, whiny, and cried for reasons unknown to Hubs & I... she cried when trying to eat, she cried when she was put down, she cried when I left the room - so we chalked it up to her not feeling well, and upon noticing the rabid-dog style drooling assumed that she was most likely FINALLY cutting her 2-year molars... and man - they SUCK. so we gave in, and gave her some Ibuprofin - which seemed to help - she actually slept from 7pm-11pm without waking up - it was nice! (even though she's usually not in bed until after 8:30-9:00pm) but around 11pm she woke up, and was in no mood to go back to bed in the near future...

I finally took her to bed (hers) around 12:15am and I spent the entire night in a toddler bed... with a cranky, miserable toddler who woke up crying every 30-45 minutes - she cried during her bottle, she cried in her sleep, she cried for no discernible reason, other than that she was probably hurting... I felt terrible for her - and upon getting up this morning - myself as well, because the screwy sleep resulted in a lovely migraine for me. neither of us were at our best this morning, that's for sure.

I should also mention - when in the throes of a migraine, I do not make sound judgements. you'd like an example? I have just the thing! in an effort to get a little more rest and give my Maxalt time to kick in, I put her highchair at it's lowest level and set her up with a kitchen chair pulled up to it so she could get down when she was done... while I rested on the loveseat (just a room away) and she chattered and I responded... and then her little feet came running in, and I open my eyes JUST in time to see my little Goose reaching for me with hands coated in yogurt... also coated: her legs, feet, arms, face & hair... oh yes. she used it like some people use body lotion (and hair product!) so yeah. bad.idea.

on a positive note: we had our first ever mommy-daughter shower wherein there was no crying or screaming during it (yes, I managed to hold back the emotions - kidding. she's not a fan of the water in her face - but she apparently LOVES to fill her cup up and then dump it on MOMMA'S head - it was a giggle-filled shower this time. thankgoodness.)

so. I'm really hoping that she has a better day (although I'm leery, I finally dropped her off almost 3 hours later than normal and she FELL ASLEEP on the drive there - ya know, the 10 minute drive. fingers are crossed! I did tell her teachers that if she had a really rough day to give me a call and I'd come get her... it's been 4 hours and so far - I haven't had a call) *knocking on wood* and hoping that this passes quickly as it's Hubs' weekend to work... yep. single parent weekend. woo hoo. (wish me luck?)

an honor and a privelege

it is an honor and a privilege for me to be able to say that I was invited by the FANTASTIC & super sweet Mrs. G.I. Joe to be a guest blogger for her while she's finishing up her manuscript and checking out NYC to attend BlogHer!

So run right over (okay, click right over) to ACU's, Stiletto Shoes & Pretty Pink Tutu's and see my post about what being a cop's wife is all about for me. :) And be sure to add the blog as a favorite to follow her on her journey through parenting as a military wife!

*Also - a quick shout out wishing my parents a wonderful 33rd anniversary, and my niece CJ a super 1st birthday! LOVE Y'ALL BUNCHES!!*

some nights, the frustration leads to guilt...

it's been a long day, Goose & I were up at 6:15am to have breakfast at the restaurant in my hometown (we stayed the night with my parents - thank goodness!) before dropping her off at my aunt's house to spend the day while I golfed in a family memorial golf outing - registration started at 8am, tee-off at 9am... we golfed in the gorgeous (hot) weather - and had a great dinner which G was able to come enjoy with me before heading back out to my parents to get all of our stuff, then to my sister's to pick up the dog before heading home... we didn't get home until almost 8pm. Dropped the dog off at home, unpacked a few things, ran some errands and called it a night. G caught an hour nap on the way home & during errands, so of course she wasn't ready for bed at bedtime... or an hour later... but I laid down with her anyway, hoping she would zonk out... an hour later she's still putting her feet in my face, giggling, standing up, crawling all over me... and I get frustrated... I'm tired, sunburned, fighting a headache and still have work to do on the computer and around the house. So I snap. I tell her "it's bedtime. you need to lay down." and I get up - yet she stands up and cries and signs "milk" so I give in... I get her a bottle, but I'm still frustrated, so instead of cuddling her close while she drinks, I lay her down in her little toddler bed, hand her the bottle and go sit in the rocker/recliner across the room... halfway through she starts to get down, but I lay her back down and tell her she needs to stay there. I give her paci to her when she finishes, and go back to the chair... she cries, and cries, and cries... harder & harder... she wants me. she cries so hard that she makes herself vomit... and still, I'm frustrated. I get her out of her bed, wipe her up, take her sheets & lovey off the bed and go start the laundry... in the basement... as she stands in the kitchen, beyond the closed door crying for me. when I get back upstairs her eyes are red-rimmed, her cheeks are wet, she looks so sad, and she's still crying for momma... and THAT is when the guilt hits. my poor girl. she just wanted her momma, and I was too busy being frustrated to comfort her... I pick her up, cuddle her close, and she's asleep against my chest in less than 5 minutes... I cuddle her sleeping self for 15 more minutes before I put her back in bed... this time she sleeps... and yet, I'm feeling like a terrible mom... and I'm heading to bed disappointed in myself, and saddened.

18 months...

18 months ago I'd been a mom for 3 days...

I was exhausted. my girl-parts ached. my nipples were sore, ravaged, tender, on fire.

I'd changed more diapers in those three days than ever in my 28.5 years.

I'd laughed, cried, cuddled, kissed, snuggled, dressed, undressed, nursed...

I'd barely slept, eaten, showered, left the house...

I'd fallen more deeply into love than I'd ever thought possible... I dozed, waking to check on G every time she moved or made a sound... I watched her, oh how I watched her... I'd sit holding her or staring at her in her swing or bassinet or infant seat, just watching... watching her breathe, the faces she made, the way her lips would pucker, purse or open to let loose with a scream of hunger...

I had no idea of just how fast time would fly... how independent she would become, and how quickly... I had no idea that there would be times that I was so terrified, or over-joyed by something that she had done, or that had happened...

I was clueless about so many things... and 18 months later, I still am... but one thing I do know for certain, my Goose has grown from a tiny little 6lb screaming red bundle, to a 20ish lb curly-haired, chubby-cheeked, smiling, happy little whirlwind... and that whether she's in the middle of a terrible-two's temper tantrum, sitting still long enough to give Momma a hug & kiss before saying goodbye for the day, consenting to let me snuggle her before bed, or sleeping, she is the love of my life, the reason I was created, and she's my entire heart.
Hubs and I had no idea just how lucky we were 18 months and 3 days ago... and 18 months later, we have only an inkling of just how much joy she's brought, and will continue to bring, to our lives...

Happy Half-Birthday Goose (3 days late... surprise, surprise) ;) We love you so much. ~Momma & Papa

slacker momblogger

that's me! I need to post soon... I've got so many things to say... just need the time to say them!

listening...

it's almost 2am... my alarm will be going off in 4 short hours... yet I sit here, one small room away, listening... I hear the mechanical noise of the projector casting fish across her ceiling, and the lullaby playing softly, I can hear her moans and cries from here, but that's not what I'm listening for... the baby monitor is in front of me... I watch the pendulum tick across the face of the screen indicating her movement... I stare at the temperature reading wondering if she's comfortable... I listen to her movements, her raspy breaths, the small cough, and wait... and wonder... is it the heater causing her to cough and breathe heavier, or might there be some other issue at work? she felt so warm to me earlier, but the thermometer said 98.4... she wakes up sobbing... was it a bad dream? is she in pain? I hate the not-knowing... do I take her upstairs to bed with me, knowing how cold our bedroom will be? or do I sleep in the rocker/recliner in her room, listening, waiting, wondering... soothing and comforting...she seems content, for the moment...

I'll be sleeping in her room tonight...

teething? how about teething with thrush!

sooooo yeah. I've been thinking that Goose's crankiness and waking up screaming has been just her regular cutting teeth process (which really, it's not much different from the norm when she's cutting teeth) but yesterday at her 15 month check-up upon opening G's mouth during that part of the examination our doctor (whom we absolutely LOVE) immediately said "oh! she has a bad case of thrush!" and it was INSTANT guilt for me. (thrush? what? what the hell is thrush? how does it happen? how could I not notice this? omg I'm a terrible mother!!) and when she pointed out that white film and white spots ALL OVER G's mouth, lips, tongue... all I could think was "that wasn't there yesterday... I was checking out her teeth yesterday, that was so not there!" so that relieved some of my bad momma guilt... and the Doc said "sometimes it can come on all of a sudden - like a yeast infection" which - well, they're similar right? so yeah. my poor Goose. cutting teeth and thrush. what a great combo. we picked up a prescription which is supposed to help clear it up soon, I sterilized all her paci's & bottle nipples last night (even though it's not contagious between people - as we're not nursing anymore I don't have to worry about getting it - woo hoo! 1 point for being weaned) and am wondering about sterilizing her toothbrush - or just tossing it & getting a new one (anyone have experience & words of wisdom here?)

also yesterday - at 15.5 months old, Goose is weighing in at a whopping 18 pounds 2 ounces (under the 5th percentile) and measuring just over 30 inches (in the 25th percentile) - no wonder she's still wearing 9 month & 12 month clothes... and that her pants - no matter what size! - are either fitting in the waist, but look like highwaters, or long enough and falling off her bum... ah well, could be worse right? ;) also discussed with our doctor G's walking, stair climbing, running, talking, etc. and looks like we're doing great developmentally as well as physically... so thankful to have a healthy toddler! she's going to hate being in a rear-facing carseat for the rest of her life isn't she?

yesterday was also traumatic for her because she had to get shots... yes I know, she's 15 months old, and has been getting immunizations every 3 months since birth... except for her 12 month appointment when she had a cold, so we held those off until yesterday... the reason it was so traumatic after so many other shots? we're weaned. yeah. previously, we've nursed through the process of getting the immunizations... G was pause - sometimes let out a small cry - then go right back to nursing... barely phased her (oh, and we're mean - we don't give her Tylenol or Motrin before shots... we're trying to keep her drug free as much as possible ya know?) but yesterday... there was no nursing. just me, holding her close on my lap, keeping her arms tucked in out of the nurse's way while trying to keep G focused on the book I was reading to her... no such luck. she watched as the nurse (whom we also LOVE!) poked that first needle into her chunky little thigh, and then.... bloodcurdling screams ensued. (the nurse even took a few minutes between the second & third shots - which were in opposite legs - to give Goose a chance to catch her breath, because those screams were only coming out... no air was going back in!) my poor Goose. she cried a few more minutes after the nurse left the room, then let me get her dressed and we headed out...

she did great the rest of the day/night as we visited my office and headed home, she ate well, got to bed at a decent hour, slept well... and I pre-warned her daycare about the thrush & 4 shots... okayed Motrin if she's bad, and asked to call for an early pick-up if she's just miserable (I'm not hoping for that - as I don't want her to be miserable, but I wouldn't mind another early day and cuddling my Goose!)

so yeah. how's that for a fun Tuesday?

success!! and then not...

so yeah. y'all might know (or not?) that we're co-sleepers... we've co-slept since we brought Goose home from the hospital, and with the exclusion of the one month she slept in her crib at the 8month mark - she's been sleeping in our bed up until present day (at approx. 15.5 months old) and up until the last month or two it's been just fabulous.. hubs works nights, and even on his nights off stays up most of the night, so G & I just cuddle all night long... well, until she started squirming. this kid moves so much in the night... seriously, she's often got her feet in my face, or ribs, or her head down by my knees... it's crazy!

so last Sunday we had an Open House (cuz ya know, our house is on the market - any buyers out there?) and I packed up the pack & play Saturday night while cleaning, and took her to bed with me, same as usual... well, Sunday night it was getting late, I was tired, I didn't want to get the P&P back out - so I figured, eh, what the heck - let's give the crib another try... and you won't believe it - but it worked!! she slept in her crib ALL NIGHT LONG! for 5 whole nights! well... the majority of 5 whole nights... 2 of those nights she woke up around 2am-2:30am (darn teeth!!) and was very restless... I spent the next 3 hours with her in the rocker in her room... before putting her back in the crib & heading back to bed when hubs got home (she probably would have been okay in there earlier than 5/5:30am - but I had fallen asleep - it happens.) and then over the weekend, hubs was off work - so when she woke up in the middle of the night (2am-3am-ish) hubs gave her a bottle - but couldn't get her to stay asleep once he placed her in the crib... so instead, he brought her up to me... so yeah. the past two nights she's been in her crib from 9ish- 2ish, then in bed with me until I got up (9ish yesterday, 6ish today)...

hubs is back on duty tonight and I'm hoping the past two nights didn't set us back too far... going to try once again for a decent bedtime (like, before 10 would be fantastic) and crossing my fingers that she stays in the crib all night (ya know, minus the middle of the night bottle)...

speaking of the "middle of the night bottle" ... I'd read and been told a million times that you should wean your child off the bottle at the one-year mark... well... I think Goose has been bottle-free at daycare for 2-3 weeks now (she was getting one in the mornings still) but at home we still do one before bed, and in the middle of the night - and sometimes even one first thing in the morning if it's been a long time... I'm thinking that we're going to start trying a sippy of milk before bed, and still a bottle in the night and see how that goes... if that goes well, maybe soon we'll ditch the middle of the night bottle too...

which brings me to another musing... when should she no longer be waking up to eat in the night? should I start giving her some type of before bed snack with her milk? (be assured, I'll be asking her doctor tomorrow at Goose's 15month check-up - just wondering what the general consensus is out there in BlogLand...)

have a great Monday y'all...

are we doing something wrong?

so while commenting on another's blog, I found myself thinking about how much Goose talks (or doesn't, as the case may be) and find myself wondering if we're doing something wrong? G will be 15 months old tomorrow (okay, technically today, as it's now after midnight - why am I not sleeping?? good question. I do have to work in the morning... ack. off topic.) back to the topic at hand --> and really the only words she says consistently or very often are "mom, momma, hi, uh oh, ball" and sometimes she says "da dee"... she doesn't sign (which is completely our fault... I had intended to start with her a while back... but only knew a few signs, kept forgetting to pick up a Baby Sign book, and here we are, still haven't done it, FAIL.) everything else she says - pure gibberish... I'm sure she knows what she is saying, but me? not a clue. are we talking too much and not letting her practice words on us? are we not talking enough and teaching her words she can use? her 15 month checkup is April 20th - and I'm a little anxious that the Dr. is going to say "what is she saying" and when I tell her G's list, she'll say "uhh... that's it?" and I'm also having some guilt that we haven't even tried to start teaching her body parts... like "nose, eyes, ears" etc... the only one I say often is "feet" and usually it follows "who has stinky...?" after removing her socks while changing her diaper/clothes... (by the way, she thinks this is hilarious when I smell her feet and either loudly exclaim "ohhh!" or "peeeeyyooooooooo - stinky feet!" and gives me great big belly laughs - which I love) :) so yeah... anyway. my 15 month old has like 5 understandable words in her vocabulary... so, are we doing something wrong? what can we do better? how do we expand her vocab? read more? talk more? talk less? I'm open to suggestions, advice, etc (but please be nice... I'm very good at the guilt-trip on my own, thanks!)

Hot Mama Handbags Giveaway!!

so I've been looking for a new purse for a while now... my current purse is just too tiny (and jam-packed full of course!) and other purses I have hanging around (read: stuffed in the bottom of my closet) aren't going to cut the mustard either... what I've been looking for is something cute, not excessively huge, but large enough to fit a small container of wipes, a diaper or two, and if I could fit a sippy cup, a paci, as well as my miscellaneous crap (i.e. wallet, change, chapstick, mascara, etc.) that would be like... oh... just magical. my current diaper bag is fantastic - but its a back-pack style diaper bag, I'm looking for a purse that could hold a few extras, not a new diaper bag :) ENTER Hot Mama Handbags!! I just found this giveaway sponsored by Newly Wed Newly Bred - and I'm spreading the news :) these handbags look awesome, they're chic, stylish, and best of all - customizable!! saweet!! I'm soooo hoping to win one of these - but in the event that I don't... I just might have to ask for one for my birthday ;)

hurt feelings

okay, so I know this is totally ridiculous, but Goose hurt my feelings today... and just to prove I know how ridiculous it is, I'm blogging it, so y'all can agree that, yes, it's absolutely ridiculous. I guess I should explain, right?

when Goose was young, she would willingly go to anyone who wanted to hold her... when she got a little older, it was mostly just "momma" that she wanted... then for a while, hubs or her aunt (the one that babysat her for 5 months) would be her top picks... sometimes my sister and mom would also do in a pinch. since she started daycare and getting the socialization she's been SO much better... yet still, she's not the biggest fan of my dad, or my father in law, or even my brother in law... I mean she doesn't scream when she sees them, but she doesn't want to be left alone with them either ;) I know it's mostly a "male" thing, and it's not directed at only one particular male...

but today I dropped Goose off at my sister's for a couple of hours while I went to scrapbook at my aunt's house a couple miles away... while she was there, she happily played with my sister, and even my brother in law when he got home from work... later G & I went out to my mom & dad's to visit (daddy had foot surgery a couple days ago so he's recuperating on the couch) and G (which is what Grampa calls her by the way - really) was all over the place with my mom, but wouldn't go near my dad... he even tried to bribe her with a hamburger patty (which she took from my mom, but not him) as well as a popsicle (same story)... my dad just blew it off saying "eh, no problem. she's fine" but I wondered if he was hurt by my daughter's continued rejection... and in turn, it hurt my feelings, that my Goose might be hurting my beloved Daddy. (I told you it was ridiculous, did I not?) I mean yes, she was tired, it had been a long day and she didn't nap well, yes - there was a lot going on, and yes - she is a lot better with him than she used to be (when she isn't tired & hungry) but still... c'mon, at this age, shouldn't she just KNOW how awesome he is?? because he totally is... he's the best.dad.ever. (don't tell hubs I said that will ya?) and I'm really really ready for the day that she "gets" that... I think that partially I feel rejected when she rejects him (wow, I am such a Daddy's Girl - you didn't know until now did you? well. now you do.) and in turn, my feelings are hurt...

so yeah. I'm ridiculous, and I know it. now I'm just waiting for G to get over this little bump so I can be absolutely content in knowing that she "gets" that her Grampa, well, he's the bomb-diggity. :)

you know what they say...

"they" being well-meaning people who tell all sorts of tidbits, suggestions and pieces of advice to expectant and new moms... you know the ones... and the things they say... like "parenting is tough, but absolutely worth it" - on that, I happen to agree. or how about how EVERYONE tells you about the "terrible two's" and even that "three is even worse - especially with girls" - well, I am obviously not there just yet, Goose being almost 15 months old now... what "they" forgot to tell me? the terrible two's? they actually start at 12 months. seriously.

ever since Goose hit the one year mark she has been throwing the CRAZIEST temper tantrums... she will go from being super sweet and smiling, to (as her Grampa likes to call her) an "angry elf" - and I mean angry. I know sometimes it's just her being angry because I've taken away something she was playing with (that she shouldn't have... like the outlet cover she just removed from the outlet... or the Sharpie marker or ink pen she's walking around with... or the camera after she's been hitting it against the window repeatedly... you know, things like that) and she just gets so mad... often though I know that it's frustration at the lack of communication... I know how ornery she gets when she's hungry and the food just isn't ready yet (she gets it from me... and I get it from my dad... it's a low-blood sugar thing. it runs in the family. ask anyone who knows us. I'm certain it's well documented somewhere.) and when she gets mad/frustrated/whatever - she lets you know it... she grabs & pinches, she bites, she screams... it's downright scary sometimes how fast it happens!! I guess I didn't think that we would escape this phase... I just didn't know it would start so soon.

earlier this evening I gave her a bottle and she was all cuddly afterwards... for a few minutes... and then she wanted to climb all over me (which she did, I'm cool with being a jungle gym) and then climb onto the arm of the loveseat to grab her now-empty bottle off the end table (okay, no biggie... let's play with the bottle - fun) and THEN she tips it upside down and starts pushing it on the dog, the loveseat, me... (okay, so when I said it was empty? I meant practically empty... there are always a few drops left in the bottom right?) so now there is milk on the dog (oh well) the loveseat (crap, hope Gramma & Grampa aren't expecting to get this back) and me (wait - is it puke? poop? oh, no need to change then. I'm good) but still, I think "yeah, we're done with this" and take the bottle away... she was not impressed. and to be sure I knew it, she promptly pulled her paci right out of her mouth, and proceeded to take those sharp little teeth right to my forearm. no kidding. I immediately said "GOOSE! you better not be biting Momma!" and it stopped her... but geez. remind anyone else of a Velociraptor? no? just me I guess. (too much time watching Jurassic Park with hubs I think)

earlier than that, in the kitchen as she's eating a snack, she keeps chucking her sippy cup of juice onto the floor... seriously. how many times in the half hour since we'd been home could I tell her "no" ?? and really... I think I tell her "no" too often... I'm trying to stop doing this, as I find myself saying it all the time... of course she's always getting into something that she shouldn't... and of course I'm usually distracted either trying to make dinner, wash dishes, get some work done on the computer, etc... which is totally off topic... how do YOU handle the situation when your kids are getting into something they shouldn't be while you're trying to get something done? I need the help. and the advice. so tell me, what do THEY say I should be doing?? ;)

I did it!

first & second journal entries are posted!

Boba Carrier Contest

I've been considering for a while now the need (or lack of) for a new carrier for Goose... when she was younger I used the Infantino Front-to-Back carrier, and really liked it a lot.. But when my niece Cupcake was born 7 months after Goose, I traded carriers with my sister, who had received the Infantino Side Rider as a shower gift. The Side Rider has a higher weight requirement, so I let her borrow the Front-to-Back and started using the Side Rider... but there was one slight problem with this arrangement... the fact that I hate the Side Rider. It's not comfortable for me, I can't get it tight enough to fit well and stay where it's supposed to, and it's kinda difficult to get Goose in & out of. Luckily we don't go very many places where I need a carrier anymore, but every now & again I think "man, I wish I had a carrier!" - in fact we do have an event in a couple of weeks that we're going to and it looks like I'm going to have to buckle down and get a new carrier, or use the umbrella stroller... of which I also don't love. Apparently I'm all over the place with my registry successes - some items I love, some I don't. I'm getting so off-topic though. Typical. Anyway.

Mrs. G.I. Joe over at ACU's, Stiletto Shoes & Pretty Pink Tutu's is hosting an awesome giveaway for Boba Baby Carriers... I checked out their site, and it looks very similar to my Front-To-Back carrier, but even more simple & functional - and also - lots prettier!! So, I wanted to share the info and the opportunity to win this contest by directing y'all over to Mrs. G.I. Joe's blog (by clicking the link... ya know, the bold purple link above... no, not that one... yeah, that one!) and good luck to us all!

it's been 3 months...

... and I want to blog, I just don't know what to say... I guess I'll just start rambling, and see where that takes us... so yeah. the last time I blogged was November... and it wasn't really a "real" post... it was me saying "hey, I'm going to blog!" and then... well... three months later, here I am.

Okay. the last real post was May... and it ended pretty abruptly... I feel the need to recap what's happened since then, but seriously? recapping the past 9 months in one post? not gonna happen. nor would anyone WANT to read all that in one post... I promise I'm going to start blogging the journal entries, but for now - I guess it's just picking up from here...

it's February... Goose is now 13.5 months old and I can't BELIEVE how the time has flown... it seems like it was just yesterday that she was all teeny tiny and snuggled up in my arms all the time... now she's walking all over, talking gibberish like crazy (as well as saying "mom" and "hi" consistently) she loves to dance, she loves music and singing (and even MY singing... which can be compared to someone killing a cat... I guess she isn't picky as long as there's a beat?) and bounces and bops her head with the music... she's so much fun, I just can't get over it! She's still cuddly, but mostly just at night when she's tired, or when we're in large crowds or around strangers... otherwise she wants to be walking around checking everything out :)

We're weaning right now, which has actually been going pretty well... last night we managed to go the whole night with only one nursing time (3am of course!) and she'd had a 7oz bottle of cow's milk around 9:30pm and had a couple Puffs & Goldfish at 7am while I was getting ready this morning... I had mixed feelings about weaning, as I LOVED nursing (much as I loved being pregnant - both were such awesome experiences for me that I just knew I was going to miss them... being a mom is SO much better than being pregnant though!!) and while I was thinking that I'd miss the bonding that went with nursing, I've since realized that we're sooo closely bonded already (anyone that knows Goose can tell you she's a TOTAL "Momma's Girl") :) and we bond every day over other things, singing, playing, sharing food (she LOVES "real" food!! much like her momma!!) and when hubs is working - giving her a bottle... (he loves to cuddle her while giving her a bottle, so when he is home, he gets to do this) Also, the actual nursing was starting to get "old" - and by that I mean, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be... she was losing interest, so we'd get settled and even with my Mommy Necklaces (which we both LOVE!!) she'd still pull off to look at every little sound (like 13 times!) or only nurse for a few minutes before wanting to get down to play... then come back 5 minutes later wanting to do it again... also, while she never bites me, those sharp little teeth did start to rub and be uncomfortable (luckily that's usually only when she's teething!) so I figured it was just "time" to start weaning... and I know now that it was the right choice. We're almost weaned, and we're doing very well with it!

Sleeping, on the other hand... not going as smoothly. We've been "those" parents since the very beginning... you know, the ones who co-sleep... :) and when Goose was 8 months old my mom came over to babysit so hubs & I could go to the movies - and she put Goose in her crib and there she slept! GREAT! for an entire MONTH. and then, we had the week from hell, where Goose didn't sleep for longer than an hour and a half. at a time. for a complete seven nights. which of course had her in our bed again, mostly sleeping sitting up leaning against me... as it ended up, she had a sinus infection (poor baby! those SUCK!) and once she was feeling better... she was teething again... and in our bed. again. (not that I minded terribly, I LOVE having her snuggled up against me... it's the most she lets me snuggle anymore!) and that was followed by a cold... followed by more teething... followed by a new daycare (which she started on Jan. 4th - more about that later!)... and then ANOTHER sinus infection/teething issue... and NOW it's the whole Toddler Regression thing - you know, learning how to walk, talk, etc. sets them back in other areas... most often SLEEPING... also, dealing with a little bit of hitting, pinching and biting... oh the joys of Toddlerhood :) Once we get back into the groove though, and things are settled down - we're going to start working on getting her back into her crib... I've actually had success moving her from our bed to the Pack & Play that's next to our bed several times in the last couple of weeks, but I don't know what it is, as soon as I start leaning over the crib to lay her down, she's immediately awake and crying/screaming... confusion ensues. work in progress.

ahhh yes, and then there is daycare... when Goose was born, we decided that we were going to go with an in-home daycare for her... it was cheaper, she'd have more "comfortable" care, and there was one well recommended by a friend of a friend just around the corner... started out there, things were going well, we liked A very much. Goose seemed to be getting all the attention and care that she needed, and I was pleased. For a bit. Then A started treating me like a new mom... you know, she'd kinda listen to my concerns or thoughts, then dismiss them and do what she thought was best, she'd tell me how to mother my own child... she started feeding Goose cereal before we wanted her eating it (based on G's doctor's recommendation)... she gave her Tylenol whenever she wanted and took her shopping without permission... the final straw was the day that even though I'd told her that Goose was going through a phase of being clingy and having separation anxiety, A said to me "she needs to learn that she isn't going to be picked up all the time. So, she's being ignored here, and I hope you're doing the same at home because it would really help me out" combined with getting home that night with bottles that had been at A's house to find that they had nasty black mold caked around the nipple between the nipple and the neck. That was it for me. No more. Luckily it was a fairly easy break on our end... that day was a Tuesday, A was scheduled to take a 2-week vacation starting the following Monday, and my sister-in-law C had been laid off since the beginning of June and was all set to watch Goose for those two weeks... well, I called A and told her about the bottles. She honestly seemed horrified, swore it wouldn't happen again, etc... and I let Goose finish out the week there (some may think I'm crazy for this, but with the latest development, I knew A would be on her best behavior, and I didn't know what I was going to do about the situation yet, so... she went back...) after I picked her up on Friday I sent A an e-mail (yes, I'm a chicken-shit who hates confrontation) and told her that it had been Goose's last day there. We'd gotten a call from a church daycare that we'd been on a waiting list for that had an opening, and we were jumping on the chance to get G in with other kids her age (6months old at the time) - and this was partially true... one of the daycare centers I was very interested in DID have an immediate opening if we wanted it... but we hadn't been on their waiting list, and we didn't end up going there, it was WAY out of our budget... but it was the easy-way-out-excuse, and I took it.

Goose ended up staying with C through the end of the year, and on January 4th - she started at a new daycare center... this one is only 10 minutes from our house, is much more affordable than others in the area, the owner had a group-home daycare for 12 years before opening the center - and several of her employees have been with her since then - and it just seemed to be a good fit... I had a good feeling about it. The first two weeks were rough, as G went from being in a house with her aunt with LOTS of one-on-one time while C's boys were at school, to being in a room with 7ish other babies, and 6 new caregivers (3 in the morning and 3 in the afternoon)... it was a BIG change for her, and she didn't eat well, nap well or play well those first two weeks... she had to be held almost constantly, and cried if put down...she cried when I left in the mornings, she cried when I arrived in the evenings... it was a rough two weeks for both of us! week 3 was better, started eating & napping well, and didn't need to be held quite as much... she could be put down as long as "her person" was near her on the floor and she started playing with other babies & toys...although she was still clingy at drop-off, and started fussing as soon as she saw me at pick-up... week 4 was like a whole new Goose. She had made the transition! We're on week 7 now, and she willingly goes to another person when I drop her off in the mornings, she eats well (and is eating the same food as the rest of the kids who aren't on baby food anymore!) she naps well (on a COT! without a bottle or anything! just her blanket & some rocking!) she's playing with other kids well (except for a few biting incidents) and when I arrive to pick her up - she smiles and brings toys over to show me... I've got the owner as well as a couple of her teachers as Facebook friends and they keep me updated on her day... they send me pics via cell-phone and e-mail of her doing new things, or just because... and they're SUPER BIG on communication... Goose loves it there, I love being able to relax knowing she's getting wonderful care, and they love her there. It's all good. :)

soooooo.... that's my update for right now... hopefully I'll get myself back in here more regularly so I don't have HUGE gaps and such LONG posts... and also, I am going to post those journal entries... one of these days :) if I had it with me at work today, I'd start now... but I don't...

rough night...

I am not fond of these nights... these nights of screaming... she's cuddled close and is almost asleep before the sudden burst of screaming as she throws herself bodily away... she refuses comfort, she thrashes & screams, only to subside minutes later holding my hands... then it repeats... and again... she finally collapses in exhausted slumber... these nights, break my heart...