my heart aches...

I sit here and complain about issues we're having, sleep we're losing, things that are bothersome, but easy to deal with, and they're a normal part of life... what this family is going through, is not bothersome. it's not a normal part of life. well, death is, but no parent should have to deal with the death of their child/ren... and to read the posts, and see that their faith is still so strong in the face of so much sadness, and wrongness... it's just heartbreaking, and also inspiring... please, if you're a prayerful person, keep the Matthews family and little Ezra in your prayers... they need all that they can get...

it gets worse before it gets better?

I think I've heard that before? I'm really hoping that it's true, and that the worst is here & gone quickly... in 21 months of parenting (tomorrow) I think this is definitely my most trying time... Saturday while at my parents' house Goose was playing with my niece CJ unsupervised and bit her, hard. Hard enough that she still had marks, missing skin & little scabs yesterday, 2 days after the fact... my sister &I got into a big fight about it, because she & BIL didn't think I did/am doing enough to discipline her, and I'm not much into physical punishment (although I have tried both spanking and biting her back - as suggested to me by many, many people - neither worked anyway... she laughed when I spanked her, and bit me back when I bit her... *sigh*) G also bit children two days in a row at daycare last week, and again yesterday... and then last night while at a friend's birthday party she laid her head on my lap, then out of no-where bit ME. I'm frustrated, upset, at a loss - I just don't know to do. I try to stick with the routine they do at daycare, to keep things consistent, but even this morning her teacher told me that because the biting has increased, they are going to keep Goose a little more isolated from the rest of the class until it decreases again... which totally sucks. I'm absolutely for it, as I don't know how else to deal with the issue, and other than just kicking her out (which they aren't even considering at this point - they love her & say that she's super sweet the rest of the time, they just can't narrow down the triggers) it's the only way that they can think to get it to stop...

I get both my sister's point of view (heck, I'm upset CJ's being bit as well - I feel horrible) and also theirs at daycare (the safety of ALL the children is their top priority) and I just wish that there were some magical "cure" or something... I wish we knew the trigger, so we could take steps to prevent it/them from happening... I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I'm feeling pretty helpless also, as she almost never bites at home... and it had been a little while since she'd bitten CJ... and we'd gone three days at daycare in a row without any attempts... I thought things were getting better... they're not. They seem to be getting worse...

I did put in a call to G's doctor this morning asking for any suggestions, or advice, or ANYTHING! I'm just waiting for a call-back... I know that daycare is limited in how they discipline children (no physical punishment, etc.) and although my mom's suggestions of the things that worked with us when we misbehaved (washing mouth out with soap, squirting her in the mouth with vinegar water) might work (?) that's not something that can be done at daycare either - and happens rarely enough at home that I don't know when I might next have the opportunity to try it... but I'm up for trying almost anything at this point. well, anything short of ya know, beating my child ;)

thankfully my sister & I are okay again, not before several angry texts and lots of tears, but we're good after chatting this morning... the girls will be under constant supervision when playing together from now on (they usually are anyway, but they were left alone briefly when the latest incident occurred.) I guess I'm just going to keep praying that it gets better soon... and that this is the worst of this stage...

if it's not one thing, it's another... this bites.

literally.

we finally seemed to be done with the nightmare thing, Goose is sleeping again, fairly regularly and well (not straight through the night or anything, but a LOT better than several weeks ago) and things were getting back to normal-ish...

until yesterday morning... when I got a call from G's teacher letting me know that she'd bitten someone else... and made a second attempt... *sigh* I was bummed, as she'd been doing so well with not biting lately (of course - as soon as you think you're done, it comes back to bite you in the bum - no pun intended.) previously someone would just let me know when I picked her up that she'd had an incident or whatever, but they're making some changes in the toddler room, including a log of when biting/hitting/etc. occur, to try to track the events and see if there is a pattern perhaps... one of the other changes is that now instead of being told at the end of the day, they're now calling the parents to let them know... so yesterday morning, which had started out rough anyway - didn't improve at all. thankfully, Goose did great the rest of the day, no more incidents!

until about 10am... when I got another call... again, from G's teacher, telling me that G had bit... again. but this time - for the first time ever - she bit another child on.the.face. I'm upset. I'm frustrated. I'm concerned (both for the other child, and about Goose too.) G's teacher said that this time she and another child were really getting into each others' space, and it just happened...(teacher saw it happening from across the room, but couldn't get to them quickly enough to prevent/stop it.) What am I doing wrong? What is causing her to bite others? She almost never bites at home... almost never meaning that it's happened a few times, but I can't even recall the last time... she's been doing so well lately... maybe I jinxed her... I don't know.

thankfully her daycare is used to this type of thing in this age range, thankfully also - she's not the only one biting (ohthankgoodness) and her teachers are handling the situation as they're best able, they also reassure me that it's really NOT my fault, that there really isn't anything that I can do (well, unless she's doing it at home too, but we've covered that already, so, nothing I can do!) and that this too, shall pass... you know, eventually.

ugh. so frustrating, upsetting... *sigh* help.

nightmares?

so, what I originally chalked up to toddler-regression type sleep issues, I'm now thinking could instead be nightmares... I have no idea what in the world E would have been exposed to at this age that would cause her to have nightmares, but - it's the most likely explanation I can come up with... for example:

usually when she's hitting developmental milestones or teething & such - her sleep is crap, and when she is awake she's clingy, fussy, somewhat whiny.... BUT - she sleeps a bit, and when she wakes up she fusses until Hubs or I get her out of bed or grab her some milk... that's NOT how she's been the past few weeks...

lately she does NOT want to go "night night" - ever. it takes laying down with her (or cuddling/rocking her, or taking her to bed with me) to get her to fall asleep... and the whole time she's clutching my finger. and when she wakes? wow. she wakes up sobbing and gets out of bed, runs to the door, and screams & sobs as she tries to turn the knob until Hubs or I opens it to let her out... upon the opening of the door she appears with arms outstretched, wild, terrified eyes, and uncontrollable sobs... once she's in our arms however - it is like someone flipped a magic switch. she's back asleep (with or without finger in her grasp) almost immediately... kinda like "oh, I'm safe, I can sleep now"... and even if we lay together in her bed, or ours she still wakes up screaming - but she can immediately grab for me/Hubs and is right back asleep...

so, I have no idea what's going on... I thought she was too young for nightmares, but Hubs brought her up to bed with me at 5:40am yesterday, and when he came back up to kick us out so he could go to bed at 6:45am Goose was smiling in her sleep... and then she started giggling.... and she giggled some more... all while completely.asleep. I know this because Hubs tried to wake her up by tickling her, playing with her feet, her hair... nothing. she didn't budge... so I guess she was dreaming, and if she's dreaming good dreams, I guess it's just as likely that she's dreaming bad dreams... I wonder if anyone else has experienced this... I wonder if our doctor would have any words of wisdom for us...

and I want another one?

yikes. I had thought after the sheer madness of no sleep & clingy cranky toddler we went through the weekend before last that we were due for a break.. yet apparently that isn't the case (and seriously - WHY is it that Goose's WORST nights are always when Hubs is working?? he's pulling OT tonight - and the longest period of time she's slept for is an hour. over the last 3.5 hours. the shortest - 5ish minutes.) and I could really, really use a break one of these nights...ya know, just for a little while, so I can do something ... like sleep. :)

I've tried laying with her, letting her hold my hand, sitting in the rocker/recliner in her room and quietly "shushing" her (yeah. after the 7th or 8th time she climbed out of bed to come stand in front of me - I decided that really wasn't working. huh. I'm clearly brilliant. observant too.) rubbing her back, patting her back...

First I was sympathetic, I held her for a few minutes, calmed her down, had her almost asleep - and then as soon as I laid her down - she was up & crying and reaching for me... Next I tried just rubbing her back and then patting it after she'd nodded off... The next time I sat back in the chair after laying her back in bed and quietly saying "it's time for night-night, lay down Goose, go to sleep"... the time after that I was less patient "Goose - no no. lay down. don't get off that be-NO." *sigh* the time after that I sat there and told her she needed to get back in bed (yeah. it didn't work.) and this last time, just 6 minutes ago - I let her hold my hand while I crouched next to her bed, my feet & toes going numb... and once she'd rolled over still clutching my fingers, I started to slowly extricate them... just a moment ago she moved & whimpered softly... (I heard her on the monitor)...

I texted Hubs - who is blissfully working (okay, I don't know that any cop works blissfully, but in my mind tonight - it's more blissful than dealing with a screaming toddler who refuses to sleep, yes - I do have quite the imagination don't I?) the following message:

"If I'm still asleep in the recliner when you get home will you make sure I get up for work please? your daughter isn't cooperating in the sleep department."

his (humorous, I'm sure.) reply: "no"

mine back: "thanks for nothing"

H: "pshh"

M: "don't pshh me until you've spent multiple nights doing the single parent thing with a toddler who won't sleep for more than an hour - if that. kiss.mine." (yes, I do get irritable when tired. apparently Goose takes after her momma. oh wait, hubs does too. double dose.)

H: "and you want another."

M: "not yet. but yes. and still, kiss my bum right now. be safe. love you."

gotta love the late-night fatigue-induced love-filled texts eh? oh well... I'm wondering though if those will be my famous last words... I want another one? what.am.I.thinking.

oh, I remember. I'm thinking that I want Goose to grow up with her very own built-in best friend like I had... someone to play, fight, laugh & cry with... someone who will always love her - and she them, even if they don't like each other sometimes... someone who will be there for her, through the good times and bad times, the thick & thin, someone to stand up for, and who will also have her back... someone to bring even more love & joy into all of our lives... THAT is what I am thinking...

ya know, in a while... after Goose is potty trained and sleeping through the night... a year? two? I don't know for sure, but I do know that it's not yet. ;)

going to head up to try to get some sleep before the Tiny Terror is awake again... crossing my fingers that all the crying and climbing in & out of bed wore her out and she'll sleep for a few hours at least... cross your fingers eh?

some nights, the frustration leads to guilt...

it's been a long day, Goose & I were up at 6:15am to have breakfast at the restaurant in my hometown (we stayed the night with my parents - thank goodness!) before dropping her off at my aunt's house to spend the day while I golfed in a family memorial golf outing - registration started at 8am, tee-off at 9am... we golfed in the gorgeous (hot) weather - and had a great dinner which G was able to come enjoy with me before heading back out to my parents to get all of our stuff, then to my sister's to pick up the dog before heading home... we didn't get home until almost 8pm. Dropped the dog off at home, unpacked a few things, ran some errands and called it a night. G caught an hour nap on the way home & during errands, so of course she wasn't ready for bed at bedtime... or an hour later... but I laid down with her anyway, hoping she would zonk out... an hour later she's still putting her feet in my face, giggling, standing up, crawling all over me... and I get frustrated... I'm tired, sunburned, fighting a headache and still have work to do on the computer and around the house. So I snap. I tell her "it's bedtime. you need to lay down." and I get up - yet she stands up and cries and signs "milk" so I give in... I get her a bottle, but I'm still frustrated, so instead of cuddling her close while she drinks, I lay her down in her little toddler bed, hand her the bottle and go sit in the rocker/recliner across the room... halfway through she starts to get down, but I lay her back down and tell her she needs to stay there. I give her paci to her when she finishes, and go back to the chair... she cries, and cries, and cries... harder & harder... she wants me. she cries so hard that she makes herself vomit... and still, I'm frustrated. I get her out of her bed, wipe her up, take her sheets & lovey off the bed and go start the laundry... in the basement... as she stands in the kitchen, beyond the closed door crying for me. when I get back upstairs her eyes are red-rimmed, her cheeks are wet, she looks so sad, and she's still crying for momma... and THAT is when the guilt hits. my poor girl. she just wanted her momma, and I was too busy being frustrated to comfort her... I pick her up, cuddle her close, and she's asleep against my chest in less than 5 minutes... I cuddle her sleeping self for 15 more minutes before I put her back in bed... this time she sleeps... and yet, I'm feeling like a terrible mom... and I'm heading to bed disappointed in myself, and saddened.

are we doing something wrong?

so while commenting on another's blog, I found myself thinking about how much Goose talks (or doesn't, as the case may be) and find myself wondering if we're doing something wrong? G will be 15 months old tomorrow (okay, technically today, as it's now after midnight - why am I not sleeping?? good question. I do have to work in the morning... ack. off topic.) back to the topic at hand --> and really the only words she says consistently or very often are "mom, momma, hi, uh oh, ball" and sometimes she says "da dee"... she doesn't sign (which is completely our fault... I had intended to start with her a while back... but only knew a few signs, kept forgetting to pick up a Baby Sign book, and here we are, still haven't done it, FAIL.) everything else she says - pure gibberish... I'm sure she knows what she is saying, but me? not a clue. are we talking too much and not letting her practice words on us? are we not talking enough and teaching her words she can use? her 15 month checkup is April 20th - and I'm a little anxious that the Dr. is going to say "what is she saying" and when I tell her G's list, she'll say "uhh... that's it?" and I'm also having some guilt that we haven't even tried to start teaching her body parts... like "nose, eyes, ears" etc... the only one I say often is "feet" and usually it follows "who has stinky...?" after removing her socks while changing her diaper/clothes... (by the way, she thinks this is hilarious when I smell her feet and either loudly exclaim "ohhh!" or "peeeeyyooooooooo - stinky feet!" and gives me great big belly laughs - which I love) :) so yeah... anyway. my 15 month old has like 5 understandable words in her vocabulary... so, are we doing something wrong? what can we do better? how do we expand her vocab? read more? talk more? talk less? I'm open to suggestions, advice, etc (but please be nice... I'm very good at the guilt-trip on my own, thanks!)

you know what they say...

"they" being well-meaning people who tell all sorts of tidbits, suggestions and pieces of advice to expectant and new moms... you know the ones... and the things they say... like "parenting is tough, but absolutely worth it" - on that, I happen to agree. or how about how EVERYONE tells you about the "terrible two's" and even that "three is even worse - especially with girls" - well, I am obviously not there just yet, Goose being almost 15 months old now... what "they" forgot to tell me? the terrible two's? they actually start at 12 months. seriously.

ever since Goose hit the one year mark she has been throwing the CRAZIEST temper tantrums... she will go from being super sweet and smiling, to (as her Grampa likes to call her) an "angry elf" - and I mean angry. I know sometimes it's just her being angry because I've taken away something she was playing with (that she shouldn't have... like the outlet cover she just removed from the outlet... or the Sharpie marker or ink pen she's walking around with... or the camera after she's been hitting it against the window repeatedly... you know, things like that) and she just gets so mad... often though I know that it's frustration at the lack of communication... I know how ornery she gets when she's hungry and the food just isn't ready yet (she gets it from me... and I get it from my dad... it's a low-blood sugar thing. it runs in the family. ask anyone who knows us. I'm certain it's well documented somewhere.) and when she gets mad/frustrated/whatever - she lets you know it... she grabs & pinches, she bites, she screams... it's downright scary sometimes how fast it happens!! I guess I didn't think that we would escape this phase... I just didn't know it would start so soon.

earlier this evening I gave her a bottle and she was all cuddly afterwards... for a few minutes... and then she wanted to climb all over me (which she did, I'm cool with being a jungle gym) and then climb onto the arm of the loveseat to grab her now-empty bottle off the end table (okay, no biggie... let's play with the bottle - fun) and THEN she tips it upside down and starts pushing it on the dog, the loveseat, me... (okay, so when I said it was empty? I meant practically empty... there are always a few drops left in the bottom right?) so now there is milk on the dog (oh well) the loveseat (crap, hope Gramma & Grampa aren't expecting to get this back) and me (wait - is it puke? poop? oh, no need to change then. I'm good) but still, I think "yeah, we're done with this" and take the bottle away... she was not impressed. and to be sure I knew it, she promptly pulled her paci right out of her mouth, and proceeded to take those sharp little teeth right to my forearm. no kidding. I immediately said "GOOSE! you better not be biting Momma!" and it stopped her... but geez. remind anyone else of a Velociraptor? no? just me I guess. (too much time watching Jurassic Park with hubs I think)

earlier than that, in the kitchen as she's eating a snack, she keeps chucking her sippy cup of juice onto the floor... seriously. how many times in the half hour since we'd been home could I tell her "no" ?? and really... I think I tell her "no" too often... I'm trying to stop doing this, as I find myself saying it all the time... of course she's always getting into something that she shouldn't... and of course I'm usually distracted either trying to make dinner, wash dishes, get some work done on the computer, etc... which is totally off topic... how do YOU handle the situation when your kids are getting into something they shouldn't be while you're trying to get something done? I need the help. and the advice. so tell me, what do THEY say I should be doing?? ;)