update - I've Moved!

just a head's up in case you hadn't missed me yet (or already visited at my new home) ;) but I've moved! you can now find me over at my new site http://mylifeasanofficerswife.com - I'm still remembering where I put things and starting to decorate, but the furniture is arranged and my name is on the door :) I'm loving the new place and how easy it is to converse with the neighbors ;) Stop in to visit when you have time! My door is always open ;)

making the move to WordPress

hey folks, I've gotten a bit tired of blogging on two separate blogs, so I'm currently in transition of moving from blogger to wordpress - I bought  my own domain "mylifeasanofficerswife.com" and got an amazing deal through a twitter/blog friend (Kate @ MommyMonologues) for a year of hosting through dreamhosters - so while the url currently still points you right back to MLAAOW on blogger - as soon as the move is finished (Kate is still moving posts & comments right now, and I'm designing myself a new header) I'll soon be blogging at WordPress - I'm excited to have a blog that will allow me a little more control over the appearance of my blog, and also allow me to respond/communicate easier with my readers (my numbers may be small, but I appreciate every single one of you!!) ;)

Hope to see you soon at http://mylifeasanofficerswife.com at WordPress :)

like it was yesterday...

I sit here today, on March 11th, 2011 and think back to what I was doing 10 years right now... at this exact time I was either at work, or headed there shortly... having just finished my sister's birthday party, as she would be leaving to go back to college almost an hour and a half away in a few short hours... the whole family was over just hanging out... I remember hanging out in her room, my cousin AD and I... laying on our bellies looking at a yearbook, just talking. Talking about how things were going for him at school his sophomore year... how he & his girlfriend had broken up a week earlier, but he thought that they were getting back together, maybe even that night... we talked (again) about how I was going to pay the additional fee to get his license plate personalized, just as soon as he decided what he wanted it to say... we talked, as we had many times before, of the tattoo I was going to buy him for his 18th birthday... just a year and a half away... we hung out, had fun, I hugged him tight as he left that afternoon... I remember thinking how my cute little cousin had grown... he had grown into a charming, handsome, respectful, wonderful, funny young man... and wondering how it happened so fast...

I remember later that night... somewhere around 10:30ish when I got out of work, thinking "hey, maybe I'll swing over and hang out with AD before heading home" and then dismissing the idea in favor of a little extra time at my boyfriend (now hub's) house with him... I remember it being close to midnight, knowing that I was going to be late for my midnight curfew and calling to tell my parents without getting an answer... I remember being confused, wondering where in the world they would be near midnight on a Sunday... and then the chiming of my cell phone as it rang, my dad on the other end, telling me that he & my mom were on their way to the hospital, because AD had been in an accident... my dad asking if I wanted them to come get me... I was shaking, asking questions, getting little in the way of answers... "who was with him? was he alone? what happened?" ... my phone rang again a few minutes later, my mom - asking for bf/Hubs... telling him they were already half-way there, could he bring me over instead?

I don't remember how, but my sister's best friend ended up riding over with us...or maybe she didn't... that's fuzzy to me... Hubs driving, L in the backseat?, me curled up & rocking in the passenger seat... crying. praying. Hubs telling me that AD was going to be fine... everything was going to be fine. We entered through the ER doors, and were directed to registration... I was half-running, blindly, terrified. At the registration desk we found my dad, with my aunt - she jumped up to hug me crying, shaking her head as I asked "where is he?" and hearing "he isn't here yet" I was stunned - "what do you mean he's not here yet? where WAS he?" and my dad... pulling me away, out of the registration area, toward the main entrance, as he hugged me and said "he didn't make it Rus" in my head I hear these words again... I hear the echoes of my screams of "no! no daddy! no!" I hear him telling Hubs "get her out of here!" he didn't want my aunt to hear me... standing outside in the cold were my mom, and her other sister - they were trying to reach my cousin, who attended the same college as my sister... K is three years older, and they thought it would be best if my sister heard the news in person... K & his girlfriend were already making plans to head over to get/tell my sister, then head for the hospital... on our way out, we passed my cousin AJ and his girlfriend's father - AD's big brother... he didn't know yet... I can only imagine what seeing us must have been like for him... terrifying possibly.

I remember the rest of the hospital time-period, hanging out in a waiting room, surrounded by family, even my dad's family came to sit with us as we waited for his body to arrive... finally being allowed in to see him, how pale and still he was - this 16 year old athlete, so full of life, love, laughter... still. cold. even through the devastation there were a few smiles - as AJ squeezed AD's arm and the reflex made his hand squeeze my sister's... she about shit herself... the smiles were few & far between over the next few days, and the tears many, but the stories we told... the stories people told at his memorial service - which had to be held in the high school gymnasium to fit all those attending... all of us cousins, and some aunts and uncles, wore jeans with Metal Band Tshirts... it was what he would have wanted... we watched VHS tapes of him playing his bass guitar to "Eye of The Tiger" during the visitations, and a slideshow of photos at the service...


his headstone carries his last school photo... that sophomore year... the graphics etched in the stone include a guitar, basketball, football, track shoes... the inscription, "son, brother, friend"... it was 10 years ago today that we lost one of the most special people to have ever walked the earth... the most beloved in our family, maybe even his school... he was just that special... he was four years younger than I, but he was my best friend... and the ache in my heart today, doesn't feel ten years old... it doesn't feel like it was ten years ago that my heart broke... it feels like it was yesterday.

loving and missing you so much today, as always AD. Rock In Peace.
~ADH 11.12.1984-3.11.2001~

sometimes I can't stop them...

the fears... and the tears... yesterday I blogged about how the fear gets me from the perspective of the "cop's wife" part of me... this post was brought on by the recent fatalities of Law Enforcement Officers - LEO's - all over the country... 11 (or was it 13?) in just 24 hours? 15 fatalities of LEO's already this year? You can read that post if you'd like HERE. and then last night? I had a dream... I only remember parts of it... but they are the worst parts... the parts I remember... the parts that bring the fear to the surface...

in this dream I'm not getting "the call" or a visit from other officers telling me that hubs isn't coming home... instead we're at the funeral service, and I'm standing in front of Hubs' casket, holding Goose, who is trying to get out of my arms to snuggle with Papa... Papa who will soon be buried and physically gone... she wants her Papa, wants him to tickle her, pretend to be sleeping only to growl and munch on her little cheeks and under her chin, but he can't... and he never will again. She struggles to reach him, to tickle him, to give him hugs and kisses, but I can't let her... it breaks my heart.


we're home alone... just us two... she's asking me "where Papa go? where Papa go Momma? Papa wook?" and I can't answer... my stomach is in knots... the lump is in my throat... and I don't know what to say... how do I tell her that Papa is gone... she's only 2... how do it I do it... I hold her as I cry... she's so confused... she can't understand... I can't understand...

and then her cries wake me... Hubs is sleeping next to me, the dog is curled up at my feet... I quickly go down the stairs to snuggle my Goose into my arms... and then back upstairs we go, snuggling her into our bed between Papa & Momma... I snuggle her close and drift back off into a dreamless sleep...

most nights I don't dream, or don't remember that I have... but sometimes they come, and they cause me such sadness and pain, so much that it's hard to remember that it is just a dream... and I can't stop them...

and I want another one?

yikes. I had thought after the sheer madness of no sleep & clingy cranky toddler we went through the weekend before last that we were due for a break.. yet apparently that isn't the case (and seriously - WHY is it that Goose's WORST nights are always when Hubs is working?? he's pulling OT tonight - and the longest period of time she's slept for is an hour. over the last 3.5 hours. the shortest - 5ish minutes.) and I could really, really use a break one of these nights...ya know, just for a little while, so I can do something ... like sleep. :)

I've tried laying with her, letting her hold my hand, sitting in the rocker/recliner in her room and quietly "shushing" her (yeah. after the 7th or 8th time she climbed out of bed to come stand in front of me - I decided that really wasn't working. huh. I'm clearly brilliant. observant too.) rubbing her back, patting her back...

First I was sympathetic, I held her for a few minutes, calmed her down, had her almost asleep - and then as soon as I laid her down - she was up & crying and reaching for me... Next I tried just rubbing her back and then patting it after she'd nodded off... The next time I sat back in the chair after laying her back in bed and quietly saying "it's time for night-night, lay down Goose, go to sleep"... the time after that I was less patient "Goose - no no. lay down. don't get off that be-NO." *sigh* the time after that I sat there and told her she needed to get back in bed (yeah. it didn't work.) and this last time, just 6 minutes ago - I let her hold my hand while I crouched next to her bed, my feet & toes going numb... and once she'd rolled over still clutching my fingers, I started to slowly extricate them... just a moment ago she moved & whimpered softly... (I heard her on the monitor)...

I texted Hubs - who is blissfully working (okay, I don't know that any cop works blissfully, but in my mind tonight - it's more blissful than dealing with a screaming toddler who refuses to sleep, yes - I do have quite the imagination don't I?) the following message:

"If I'm still asleep in the recliner when you get home will you make sure I get up for work please? your daughter isn't cooperating in the sleep department."

his (humorous, I'm sure.) reply: "no"

mine back: "thanks for nothing"

H: "pshh"

M: "don't pshh me until you've spent multiple nights doing the single parent thing with a toddler who won't sleep for more than an hour - if that. kiss.mine." (yes, I do get irritable when tired. apparently Goose takes after her momma. oh wait, hubs does too. double dose.)

H: "and you want another."

M: "not yet. but yes. and still, kiss my bum right now. be safe. love you."

gotta love the late-night fatigue-induced love-filled texts eh? oh well... I'm wondering though if those will be my famous last words... I want another one? what.am.I.thinking.

oh, I remember. I'm thinking that I want Goose to grow up with her very own built-in best friend like I had... someone to play, fight, laugh & cry with... someone who will always love her - and she them, even if they don't like each other sometimes... someone who will be there for her, through the good times and bad times, the thick & thin, someone to stand up for, and who will also have her back... someone to bring even more love & joy into all of our lives... THAT is what I am thinking...

ya know, in a while... after Goose is potty trained and sleeping through the night... a year? two? I don't know for sure, but I do know that it's not yet. ;)

going to head up to try to get some sleep before the Tiny Terror is awake again... crossing my fingers that all the crying and climbing in & out of bed wore her out and she'll sleep for a few hours at least... cross your fingers eh?

an honor and a privelege

it is an honor and a privilege for me to be able to say that I was invited by the FANTASTIC & super sweet Mrs. G.I. Joe to be a guest blogger for her while she's finishing up her manuscript and checking out NYC to attend BlogHer!

So run right over (okay, click right over) to ACU's, Stiletto Shoes & Pretty Pink Tutu's and see my post about what being a cop's wife is all about for me. :) And be sure to add the blog as a favorite to follow her on her journey through parenting as a military wife!

*Also - a quick shout out wishing my parents a wonderful 33rd anniversary, and my niece CJ a super 1st birthday! LOVE Y'ALL BUNCHES!!*