Momma FAIL

big.time.FAIL. but let me set-the scene before I tell you how I earned a Worst Mother of The Year Award on Friday night/Saturday morning...

Friday night was Girls Night Out with some friends (the first since Goose was born I think!!) I went to dinner & a movie with several friends (and talked my sister into coming as well) - I think there were about a dozen of us. My friend L & I rode together, as I dropped Goose off at L&C's house to hang out with their toddler Bug until hubs got in from ice fishing and joined them. We did dinner, saw the movie, chatted for a bit afterwards in the car while my sister's car warmed up (it was soooooo cold Friday night!! brrrr!!) and I got home about 12:20am... Goose was asleep in her bed, hubs was watching TV in bed and we were quickly asleep.

At some point I shut off the baby monitor. I have no idea when, but I must have done it, as it was next to me, and on when I went to sleep, but off when we woke up. Keep in mind I was really, really exhausted (my own fault) because I'd been up WAY late every night all week long (stupid Facebook and Twitter addictions, oh and also - books. they get me every time.) so I don't know if it was the exhaustion, the alcohol (kidding, I had most of one mudslide with dinner, nothing else!) or what - but apparently, I turned off the monitor.

4:00am Hubs wakes us both up by sitting up in bed and saying "is that Goose?" there was a faint screaming to be heard from downstairs over the droning sounds of the heater, humidifier and fan - and through the bedroom door. I jump out of bed and head downstairs - bleary-eyed, half asleep, only to notice as I get toward the bottom of the stair well that Goose's bedroom door is open... it was shut when I went to bed... and my poor screaming, terrified Goose was standing in the pitch-black between the living room and kitchen sobbing... she couldn't hear me over her screams, so when she turned to see me she jumped about a mile... I felt horrible... I ran to her and she snuggled into me still sobbing... Hubs was right behind me and he was.not.happy. He tried to take her from me to give her a hug so I could get her sippy of water for her and she screamed and struggled to get out of his arms and back into mine... seriously, the guilt was rough... even worse, Hubs was so angry (because it was the first time he had put her to bed in her own bed, and she woke up like that - he was certain that she would never let him put her to bed again) and he was making comments like "why did you do that?" and "I can't believe you would just shut it off, how long do you think she was screaming for us?" ummm hello? I didn't do it on purpose!! and thanks, I feel badly enough on my own, I don't need any help from YOU in that area.

We took her back to bed with us, and it was at least 30 minutes before she had calmed down enough to get the "hitch" out of her breath... even longer before she succumbed to sleep... I.felt.horrible. Luckily, she's a toddler, and she forgives (and forgets? I'm hoping!!) easily... she napped well in her room on Saturday, slept well in there Saturday night, and did pretty well in there again last night (she woke up at some point and started fussing, and Hubs brought her back to bed with us - but I have no idea what time it was!)

We really don't have any idea how long she was screaming for... she usually stays in her bed until we come get her, but I don't know who long she would have waited, usually we're getting to her within just a minute or two... plus she had opened her door, and gone through the living room to stand near the kitchen (I'm amazed she didn't come upstairs - but thankful! that's why we keep her door shut at night, so she doesn't try to come up & possibly fall down them in the dark) sooo... I 'm hoping it wasn't longer than 15-20 minutes, but with as upset as she was, I can't be sure... also, there's a niggling little feeling in the back of my head that I heard something around 2am... I'm hoping it was my phone indicating an email or something, and not the monitor that I turned off...

sooo... there it is. My big FAIL of the weekend. *sigh* hoping to NOT have another one like that anytime soon...

nightmares?

so, what I originally chalked up to toddler-regression type sleep issues, I'm now thinking could instead be nightmares... I have no idea what in the world E would have been exposed to at this age that would cause her to have nightmares, but - it's the most likely explanation I can come up with... for example:

usually when she's hitting developmental milestones or teething & such - her sleep is crap, and when she is awake she's clingy, fussy, somewhat whiny.... BUT - she sleeps a bit, and when she wakes up she fusses until Hubs or I get her out of bed or grab her some milk... that's NOT how she's been the past few weeks...

lately she does NOT want to go "night night" - ever. it takes laying down with her (or cuddling/rocking her, or taking her to bed with me) to get her to fall asleep... and the whole time she's clutching my finger. and when she wakes? wow. she wakes up sobbing and gets out of bed, runs to the door, and screams & sobs as she tries to turn the knob until Hubs or I opens it to let her out... upon the opening of the door she appears with arms outstretched, wild, terrified eyes, and uncontrollable sobs... once she's in our arms however - it is like someone flipped a magic switch. she's back asleep (with or without finger in her grasp) almost immediately... kinda like "oh, I'm safe, I can sleep now"... and even if we lay together in her bed, or ours she still wakes up screaming - but she can immediately grab for me/Hubs and is right back asleep...

so, I have no idea what's going on... I thought she was too young for nightmares, but Hubs brought her up to bed with me at 5:40am yesterday, and when he came back up to kick us out so he could go to bed at 6:45am Goose was smiling in her sleep... and then she started giggling.... and she giggled some more... all while completely.asleep. I know this because Hubs tried to wake her up by tickling her, playing with her feet, her hair... nothing. she didn't budge... so I guess she was dreaming, and if she's dreaming good dreams, I guess it's just as likely that she's dreaming bad dreams... I wonder if anyone else has experienced this... I wonder if our doctor would have any words of wisdom for us...

and I want another one?

yikes. I had thought after the sheer madness of no sleep & clingy cranky toddler we went through the weekend before last that we were due for a break.. yet apparently that isn't the case (and seriously - WHY is it that Goose's WORST nights are always when Hubs is working?? he's pulling OT tonight - and the longest period of time she's slept for is an hour. over the last 3.5 hours. the shortest - 5ish minutes.) and I could really, really use a break one of these nights...ya know, just for a little while, so I can do something ... like sleep. :)

I've tried laying with her, letting her hold my hand, sitting in the rocker/recliner in her room and quietly "shushing" her (yeah. after the 7th or 8th time she climbed out of bed to come stand in front of me - I decided that really wasn't working. huh. I'm clearly brilliant. observant too.) rubbing her back, patting her back...

First I was sympathetic, I held her for a few minutes, calmed her down, had her almost asleep - and then as soon as I laid her down - she was up & crying and reaching for me... Next I tried just rubbing her back and then patting it after she'd nodded off... The next time I sat back in the chair after laying her back in bed and quietly saying "it's time for night-night, lay down Goose, go to sleep"... the time after that I was less patient "Goose - no no. lay down. don't get off that be-NO." *sigh* the time after that I sat there and told her she needed to get back in bed (yeah. it didn't work.) and this last time, just 6 minutes ago - I let her hold my hand while I crouched next to her bed, my feet & toes going numb... and once she'd rolled over still clutching my fingers, I started to slowly extricate them... just a moment ago she moved & whimpered softly... (I heard her on the monitor)...

I texted Hubs - who is blissfully working (okay, I don't know that any cop works blissfully, but in my mind tonight - it's more blissful than dealing with a screaming toddler who refuses to sleep, yes - I do have quite the imagination don't I?) the following message:

"If I'm still asleep in the recliner when you get home will you make sure I get up for work please? your daughter isn't cooperating in the sleep department."

his (humorous, I'm sure.) reply: "no"

mine back: "thanks for nothing"

H: "pshh"

M: "don't pshh me until you've spent multiple nights doing the single parent thing with a toddler who won't sleep for more than an hour - if that. kiss.mine." (yes, I do get irritable when tired. apparently Goose takes after her momma. oh wait, hubs does too. double dose.)

H: "and you want another."

M: "not yet. but yes. and still, kiss my bum right now. be safe. love you."

gotta love the late-night fatigue-induced love-filled texts eh? oh well... I'm wondering though if those will be my famous last words... I want another one? what.am.I.thinking.

oh, I remember. I'm thinking that I want Goose to grow up with her very own built-in best friend like I had... someone to play, fight, laugh & cry with... someone who will always love her - and she them, even if they don't like each other sometimes... someone who will be there for her, through the good times and bad times, the thick & thin, someone to stand up for, and who will also have her back... someone to bring even more love & joy into all of our lives... THAT is what I am thinking...

ya know, in a while... after Goose is potty trained and sleeping through the night... a year? two? I don't know for sure, but I do know that it's not yet. ;)

going to head up to try to get some sleep before the Tiny Terror is awake again... crossing my fingers that all the crying and climbing in & out of bed wore her out and she'll sleep for a few hours at least... cross your fingers eh?

repeat previous post...

well. not exactly - but pretty darn close... finally found something other than a bottle of milk that Goose could actually eat/drink - FROZEN GRAPES. (it's like a miracle cure!) they aren't so frozen that they're rock hard, yet they stay cold enough to provide her poor tender gums some relief (as well as actually getting food in her! hooray!)

she had a great day at daycare yesterday, so that was good - but the rest of the evening & night - a DISASTER. she woke up 4 times in a two-hour period - ended up giving her ibuprofen again (twice.) which I really don't like - but nothing else was working - her teething tablets didn't seem to touch it, then she'd been crying so much her belly was full of gas, so I gave her some gas drops, ugh. I hate giving her all sorts of meds & crap. the second dose of ibuprofen though? the one I gave her at 12:30am so we could both get some sleep? nope. it was like crack. seriously. she was bouncing.off.the.walls. (it was a relief that she was happy and not screaming non-stop, but seriously. CRACK.) I finally got her to sleep at 3:30am... (in my bed this time!)

...and she was awake and crying again before 7am, not.fun. I was able to cuddle her back to sleep for a little while, and she was doing okay when we got up - but today has been a lot of off & on happy vs. sobbing (all her, I'm just feeling badly that she's so miserable, as well as feeling MEGA guilty because I'm frustrated that I can't get anything done. yes, I just got her down for a nap and instead of doing the millions of things I need to be doing - like actual PAID work on this here computer, as well as house work - I'm here. why? because I procrastinate. and also - hubs is working, my parents are at a wedding, my sister is at a different wedding, and I've no-one to commiserate with... except Facebook... and they can only take so much of my whining I think... so yeah. oh, actually got some scrambled eggs down her as well this morning - and frozen grapes & blueberries (frozen fruit FTW!!) *hanging head* AFTER another dose of ibuprofen. her first bite without it - heartbreaking sobs. could.not.handle.

as soon as she's up again (I'm sure it won't be long. praying I'm wrong.) we're going to attempt to run a few errands and pick up more eggs, milk & training pants... we'll see how it goes though. for now - I need to get some threads posted for my steady-paying side job... cuz ya know - don't get paid if I don't do the work. better get working!

last night... we gave in

to the help of pain meds that is... well, and Goose herself.

I knew yesterday morning that something was going on, as she hadn't slept the greatest Wednesday night (as in, she refused to let Hubs get her back to sleep when she woke up around 3am... she cried until he brought her up to our bed to cuddle up with Momma) and when we left the house and got in the car she was fussy and crying, which is not the norm - she's usually thrilled to "go!" anywhere. she also cried and tried to prevent being put in her carseat - also unusual for her...

then in the afternoon I went to an event on my lunch hour advocating children's health & education and ran into the Director (Miss J) from her daycare, who said that G was having a rough day (translate that to read: had bitten other kid/s TWICE already) but she reassured me that they were keeping an eye on her & the rest of the kids, as well as were implementing a "bite log" to start keeping track of the kids' biting habits to see if there is any type of pattern. I headed back to work fairly unconcerned, it's not the first time she's bitten, and they know what they are doing.

well.... when I arrived to pick her up around 5:30 I found her in the arms of Miss J herself (who really is awesome and we love lots) and she looked unhappy :( Miss J said that she'd ended up having bitten FIVE times throughout the day, didn't nap well and had been crying for me for the last hour (WAY unusual!! she hasn't cried for me since the first month we started her there - 9 months ago!) and she thought perhaps G wasn't feeling the best... she did feel a little warm to me, and cried the entire 10 minute car ride home...

once we arrived home she was cranky, fussy, whiny, and cried for reasons unknown to Hubs & I... she cried when trying to eat, she cried when she was put down, she cried when I left the room - so we chalked it up to her not feeling well, and upon noticing the rabid-dog style drooling assumed that she was most likely FINALLY cutting her 2-year molars... and man - they SUCK. so we gave in, and gave her some Ibuprofin - which seemed to help - she actually slept from 7pm-11pm without waking up - it was nice! (even though she's usually not in bed until after 8:30-9:00pm) but around 11pm she woke up, and was in no mood to go back to bed in the near future...

I finally took her to bed (hers) around 12:15am and I spent the entire night in a toddler bed... with a cranky, miserable toddler who woke up crying every 30-45 minutes - she cried during her bottle, she cried in her sleep, she cried for no discernible reason, other than that she was probably hurting... I felt terrible for her - and upon getting up this morning - myself as well, because the screwy sleep resulted in a lovely migraine for me. neither of us were at our best this morning, that's for sure.

I should also mention - when in the throes of a migraine, I do not make sound judgements. you'd like an example? I have just the thing! in an effort to get a little more rest and give my Maxalt time to kick in, I put her highchair at it's lowest level and set her up with a kitchen chair pulled up to it so she could get down when she was done... while I rested on the loveseat (just a room away) and she chattered and I responded... and then her little feet came running in, and I open my eyes JUST in time to see my little Goose reaching for me with hands coated in yogurt... also coated: her legs, feet, arms, face & hair... oh yes. she used it like some people use body lotion (and hair product!) so yeah. bad.idea.

on a positive note: we had our first ever mommy-daughter shower wherein there was no crying or screaming during it (yes, I managed to hold back the emotions - kidding. she's not a fan of the water in her face - but she apparently LOVES to fill her cup up and then dump it on MOMMA'S head - it was a giggle-filled shower this time. thankgoodness.)

so. I'm really hoping that she has a better day (although I'm leery, I finally dropped her off almost 3 hours later than normal and she FELL ASLEEP on the drive there - ya know, the 10 minute drive. fingers are crossed! I did tell her teachers that if she had a really rough day to give me a call and I'd come get her... it's been 4 hours and so far - I haven't had a call) *knocking on wood* and hoping that this passes quickly as it's Hubs' weekend to work... yep. single parent weekend. woo hoo. (wish me luck?)

listening...

it's almost 2am... my alarm will be going off in 4 short hours... yet I sit here, one small room away, listening... I hear the mechanical noise of the projector casting fish across her ceiling, and the lullaby playing softly, I can hear her moans and cries from here, but that's not what I'm listening for... the baby monitor is in front of me... I watch the pendulum tick across the face of the screen indicating her movement... I stare at the temperature reading wondering if she's comfortable... I listen to her movements, her raspy breaths, the small cough, and wait... and wonder... is it the heater causing her to cough and breathe heavier, or might there be some other issue at work? she felt so warm to me earlier, but the thermometer said 98.4... she wakes up sobbing... was it a bad dream? is she in pain? I hate the not-knowing... do I take her upstairs to bed with me, knowing how cold our bedroom will be? or do I sleep in the rocker/recliner in her room, listening, waiting, wondering... soothing and comforting...she seems content, for the moment...

I'll be sleeping in her room tonight...

teething? how about teething with thrush!

sooooo yeah. I've been thinking that Goose's crankiness and waking up screaming has been just her regular cutting teeth process (which really, it's not much different from the norm when she's cutting teeth) but yesterday at her 15 month check-up upon opening G's mouth during that part of the examination our doctor (whom we absolutely LOVE) immediately said "oh! she has a bad case of thrush!" and it was INSTANT guilt for me. (thrush? what? what the hell is thrush? how does it happen? how could I not notice this? omg I'm a terrible mother!!) and when she pointed out that white film and white spots ALL OVER G's mouth, lips, tongue... all I could think was "that wasn't there yesterday... I was checking out her teeth yesterday, that was so not there!" so that relieved some of my bad momma guilt... and the Doc said "sometimes it can come on all of a sudden - like a yeast infection" which - well, they're similar right? so yeah. my poor Goose. cutting teeth and thrush. what a great combo. we picked up a prescription which is supposed to help clear it up soon, I sterilized all her paci's & bottle nipples last night (even though it's not contagious between people - as we're not nursing anymore I don't have to worry about getting it - woo hoo! 1 point for being weaned) and am wondering about sterilizing her toothbrush - or just tossing it & getting a new one (anyone have experience & words of wisdom here?)

also yesterday - at 15.5 months old, Goose is weighing in at a whopping 18 pounds 2 ounces (under the 5th percentile) and measuring just over 30 inches (in the 25th percentile) - no wonder she's still wearing 9 month & 12 month clothes... and that her pants - no matter what size! - are either fitting in the waist, but look like highwaters, or long enough and falling off her bum... ah well, could be worse right? ;) also discussed with our doctor G's walking, stair climbing, running, talking, etc. and looks like we're doing great developmentally as well as physically... so thankful to have a healthy toddler! she's going to hate being in a rear-facing carseat for the rest of her life isn't she?

yesterday was also traumatic for her because she had to get shots... yes I know, she's 15 months old, and has been getting immunizations every 3 months since birth... except for her 12 month appointment when she had a cold, so we held those off until yesterday... the reason it was so traumatic after so many other shots? we're weaned. yeah. previously, we've nursed through the process of getting the immunizations... G was pause - sometimes let out a small cry - then go right back to nursing... barely phased her (oh, and we're mean - we don't give her Tylenol or Motrin before shots... we're trying to keep her drug free as much as possible ya know?) but yesterday... there was no nursing. just me, holding her close on my lap, keeping her arms tucked in out of the nurse's way while trying to keep G focused on the book I was reading to her... no such luck. she watched as the nurse (whom we also LOVE!) poked that first needle into her chunky little thigh, and then.... bloodcurdling screams ensued. (the nurse even took a few minutes between the second & third shots - which were in opposite legs - to give Goose a chance to catch her breath, because those screams were only coming out... no air was going back in!) my poor Goose. she cried a few more minutes after the nurse left the room, then let me get her dressed and we headed out...

she did great the rest of the day/night as we visited my office and headed home, she ate well, got to bed at a decent hour, slept well... and I pre-warned her daycare about the thrush & 4 shots... okayed Motrin if she's bad, and asked to call for an early pick-up if she's just miserable (I'm not hoping for that - as I don't want her to be miserable, but I wouldn't mind another early day and cuddling my Goose!)

so yeah. how's that for a fun Tuesday?

success!! and then not...

so yeah. y'all might know (or not?) that we're co-sleepers... we've co-slept since we brought Goose home from the hospital, and with the exclusion of the one month she slept in her crib at the 8month mark - she's been sleeping in our bed up until present day (at approx. 15.5 months old) and up until the last month or two it's been just fabulous.. hubs works nights, and even on his nights off stays up most of the night, so G & I just cuddle all night long... well, until she started squirming. this kid moves so much in the night... seriously, she's often got her feet in my face, or ribs, or her head down by my knees... it's crazy!

so last Sunday we had an Open House (cuz ya know, our house is on the market - any buyers out there?) and I packed up the pack & play Saturday night while cleaning, and took her to bed with me, same as usual... well, Sunday night it was getting late, I was tired, I didn't want to get the P&P back out - so I figured, eh, what the heck - let's give the crib another try... and you won't believe it - but it worked!! she slept in her crib ALL NIGHT LONG! for 5 whole nights! well... the majority of 5 whole nights... 2 of those nights she woke up around 2am-2:30am (darn teeth!!) and was very restless... I spent the next 3 hours with her in the rocker in her room... before putting her back in the crib & heading back to bed when hubs got home (she probably would have been okay in there earlier than 5/5:30am - but I had fallen asleep - it happens.) and then over the weekend, hubs was off work - so when she woke up in the middle of the night (2am-3am-ish) hubs gave her a bottle - but couldn't get her to stay asleep once he placed her in the crib... so instead, he brought her up to me... so yeah. the past two nights she's been in her crib from 9ish- 2ish, then in bed with me until I got up (9ish yesterday, 6ish today)...

hubs is back on duty tonight and I'm hoping the past two nights didn't set us back too far... going to try once again for a decent bedtime (like, before 10 would be fantastic) and crossing my fingers that she stays in the crib all night (ya know, minus the middle of the night bottle)...

speaking of the "middle of the night bottle" ... I'd read and been told a million times that you should wean your child off the bottle at the one-year mark... well... I think Goose has been bottle-free at daycare for 2-3 weeks now (she was getting one in the mornings still) but at home we still do one before bed, and in the middle of the night - and sometimes even one first thing in the morning if it's been a long time... I'm thinking that we're going to start trying a sippy of milk before bed, and still a bottle in the night and see how that goes... if that goes well, maybe soon we'll ditch the middle of the night bottle too...

which brings me to another musing... when should she no longer be waking up to eat in the night? should I start giving her some type of before bed snack with her milk? (be assured, I'll be asking her doctor tomorrow at Goose's 15month check-up - just wondering what the general consensus is out there in BlogLand...)

have a great Monday y'all...