oh sh!t

about 10 minutes ago Goose tells me "poh eee" urgently - so we go into the bathroom, I pull down her pants, she rips off her diaper and sits on her potty chair for, oh... about 20 seconds. then she's up and about playing with the toilet paper, climbing in the empty tub, back out to sit on the potty, and so on. she's got a little rash around her diaper area & belly, so I figure a few minutes going diaper free will be fine... yeah.

5 minutes ago she comes running to me with her hands in the air... and they're covered in... oh my gosh - what is that?? it's kinda dark brownish... ACK! poo!

yes. I found the rest of it on her bedroom floor... along with some pj bottoms she'd pulled out of her drawer and tried to clean it up with. lovely. and also, ick!

she's cleaned up (and diapered! and pantsed!) and the poo is cleaned up, and I'm cleaned up, and yet, I still find myself looking at her hands (and my own) repeatedly to be sure I didn't miss any poo...

oh babyshit.

repeat previous post...

well. not exactly - but pretty darn close... finally found something other than a bottle of milk that Goose could actually eat/drink - FROZEN GRAPES. (it's like a miracle cure!) they aren't so frozen that they're rock hard, yet they stay cold enough to provide her poor tender gums some relief (as well as actually getting food in her! hooray!)

she had a great day at daycare yesterday, so that was good - but the rest of the evening & night - a DISASTER. she woke up 4 times in a two-hour period - ended up giving her ibuprofen again (twice.) which I really don't like - but nothing else was working - her teething tablets didn't seem to touch it, then she'd been crying so much her belly was full of gas, so I gave her some gas drops, ugh. I hate giving her all sorts of meds & crap. the second dose of ibuprofen though? the one I gave her at 12:30am so we could both get some sleep? nope. it was like crack. seriously. she was bouncing.off.the.walls. (it was a relief that she was happy and not screaming non-stop, but seriously. CRACK.) I finally got her to sleep at 3:30am... (in my bed this time!)

...and she was awake and crying again before 7am, not.fun. I was able to cuddle her back to sleep for a little while, and she was doing okay when we got up - but today has been a lot of off & on happy vs. sobbing (all her, I'm just feeling badly that she's so miserable, as well as feeling MEGA guilty because I'm frustrated that I can't get anything done. yes, I just got her down for a nap and instead of doing the millions of things I need to be doing - like actual PAID work on this here computer, as well as house work - I'm here. why? because I procrastinate. and also - hubs is working, my parents are at a wedding, my sister is at a different wedding, and I've no-one to commiserate with... except Facebook... and they can only take so much of my whining I think... so yeah. oh, actually got some scrambled eggs down her as well this morning - and frozen grapes & blueberries (frozen fruit FTW!!) *hanging head* AFTER another dose of ibuprofen. her first bite without it - heartbreaking sobs. could.not.handle.

as soon as she's up again (I'm sure it won't be long. praying I'm wrong.) we're going to attempt to run a few errands and pick up more eggs, milk & training pants... we'll see how it goes though. for now - I need to get some threads posted for my steady-paying side job... cuz ya know - don't get paid if I don't do the work. better get working!

last night... we gave in

to the help of pain meds that is... well, and Goose herself.

I knew yesterday morning that something was going on, as she hadn't slept the greatest Wednesday night (as in, she refused to let Hubs get her back to sleep when she woke up around 3am... she cried until he brought her up to our bed to cuddle up with Momma) and when we left the house and got in the car she was fussy and crying, which is not the norm - she's usually thrilled to "go!" anywhere. she also cried and tried to prevent being put in her carseat - also unusual for her...

then in the afternoon I went to an event on my lunch hour advocating children's health & education and ran into the Director (Miss J) from her daycare, who said that G was having a rough day (translate that to read: had bitten other kid/s TWICE already) but she reassured me that they were keeping an eye on her & the rest of the kids, as well as were implementing a "bite log" to start keeping track of the kids' biting habits to see if there is any type of pattern. I headed back to work fairly unconcerned, it's not the first time she's bitten, and they know what they are doing.

well.... when I arrived to pick her up around 5:30 I found her in the arms of Miss J herself (who really is awesome and we love lots) and she looked unhappy :( Miss J said that she'd ended up having bitten FIVE times throughout the day, didn't nap well and had been crying for me for the last hour (WAY unusual!! she hasn't cried for me since the first month we started her there - 9 months ago!) and she thought perhaps G wasn't feeling the best... she did feel a little warm to me, and cried the entire 10 minute car ride home...

once we arrived home she was cranky, fussy, whiny, and cried for reasons unknown to Hubs & I... she cried when trying to eat, she cried when she was put down, she cried when I left the room - so we chalked it up to her not feeling well, and upon noticing the rabid-dog style drooling assumed that she was most likely FINALLY cutting her 2-year molars... and man - they SUCK. so we gave in, and gave her some Ibuprofin - which seemed to help - she actually slept from 7pm-11pm without waking up - it was nice! (even though she's usually not in bed until after 8:30-9:00pm) but around 11pm she woke up, and was in no mood to go back to bed in the near future...

I finally took her to bed (hers) around 12:15am and I spent the entire night in a toddler bed... with a cranky, miserable toddler who woke up crying every 30-45 minutes - she cried during her bottle, she cried in her sleep, she cried for no discernible reason, other than that she was probably hurting... I felt terrible for her - and upon getting up this morning - myself as well, because the screwy sleep resulted in a lovely migraine for me. neither of us were at our best this morning, that's for sure.

I should also mention - when in the throes of a migraine, I do not make sound judgements. you'd like an example? I have just the thing! in an effort to get a little more rest and give my Maxalt time to kick in, I put her highchair at it's lowest level and set her up with a kitchen chair pulled up to it so she could get down when she was done... while I rested on the loveseat (just a room away) and she chattered and I responded... and then her little feet came running in, and I open my eyes JUST in time to see my little Goose reaching for me with hands coated in yogurt... also coated: her legs, feet, arms, face & hair... oh yes. she used it like some people use body lotion (and hair product!) so yeah. bad.idea.

on a positive note: we had our first ever mommy-daughter shower wherein there was no crying or screaming during it (yes, I managed to hold back the emotions - kidding. she's not a fan of the water in her face - but she apparently LOVES to fill her cup up and then dump it on MOMMA'S head - it was a giggle-filled shower this time. thankgoodness.)

so. I'm really hoping that she has a better day (although I'm leery, I finally dropped her off almost 3 hours later than normal and she FELL ASLEEP on the drive there - ya know, the 10 minute drive. fingers are crossed! I did tell her teachers that if she had a really rough day to give me a call and I'd come get her... it's been 4 hours and so far - I haven't had a call) *knocking on wood* and hoping that this passes quickly as it's Hubs' weekend to work... yep. single parent weekend. woo hoo. (wish me luck?)

an honor and a privelege

it is an honor and a privilege for me to be able to say that I was invited by the FANTASTIC & super sweet Mrs. G.I. Joe to be a guest blogger for her while she's finishing up her manuscript and checking out NYC to attend BlogHer!

So run right over (okay, click right over) to ACU's, Stiletto Shoes & Pretty Pink Tutu's and see my post about what being a cop's wife is all about for me. :) And be sure to add the blog as a favorite to follow her on her journey through parenting as a military wife!

*Also - a quick shout out wishing my parents a wonderful 33rd anniversary, and my niece CJ a super 1st birthday! LOVE Y'ALL BUNCHES!!*

some nights, the frustration leads to guilt...

it's been a long day, Goose & I were up at 6:15am to have breakfast at the restaurant in my hometown (we stayed the night with my parents - thank goodness!) before dropping her off at my aunt's house to spend the day while I golfed in a family memorial golf outing - registration started at 8am, tee-off at 9am... we golfed in the gorgeous (hot) weather - and had a great dinner which G was able to come enjoy with me before heading back out to my parents to get all of our stuff, then to my sister's to pick up the dog before heading home... we didn't get home until almost 8pm. Dropped the dog off at home, unpacked a few things, ran some errands and called it a night. G caught an hour nap on the way home & during errands, so of course she wasn't ready for bed at bedtime... or an hour later... but I laid down with her anyway, hoping she would zonk out... an hour later she's still putting her feet in my face, giggling, standing up, crawling all over me... and I get frustrated... I'm tired, sunburned, fighting a headache and still have work to do on the computer and around the house. So I snap. I tell her "it's bedtime. you need to lay down." and I get up - yet she stands up and cries and signs "milk" so I give in... I get her a bottle, but I'm still frustrated, so instead of cuddling her close while she drinks, I lay her down in her little toddler bed, hand her the bottle and go sit in the rocker/recliner across the room... halfway through she starts to get down, but I lay her back down and tell her she needs to stay there. I give her paci to her when she finishes, and go back to the chair... she cries, and cries, and cries... harder & harder... she wants me. she cries so hard that she makes herself vomit... and still, I'm frustrated. I get her out of her bed, wipe her up, take her sheets & lovey off the bed and go start the laundry... in the basement... as she stands in the kitchen, beyond the closed door crying for me. when I get back upstairs her eyes are red-rimmed, her cheeks are wet, she looks so sad, and she's still crying for momma... and THAT is when the guilt hits. my poor girl. she just wanted her momma, and I was too busy being frustrated to comfort her... I pick her up, cuddle her close, and she's asleep against my chest in less than 5 minutes... I cuddle her sleeping self for 15 more minutes before I put her back in bed... this time she sleeps... and yet, I'm feeling like a terrible mom... and I'm heading to bed disappointed in myself, and saddened.

18 months...

18 months ago I'd been a mom for 3 days...

I was exhausted. my girl-parts ached. my nipples were sore, ravaged, tender, on fire.

I'd changed more diapers in those three days than ever in my 28.5 years.

I'd laughed, cried, cuddled, kissed, snuggled, dressed, undressed, nursed...

I'd barely slept, eaten, showered, left the house...

I'd fallen more deeply into love than I'd ever thought possible... I dozed, waking to check on G every time she moved or made a sound... I watched her, oh how I watched her... I'd sit holding her or staring at her in her swing or bassinet or infant seat, just watching... watching her breathe, the faces she made, the way her lips would pucker, purse or open to let loose with a scream of hunger...

I had no idea of just how fast time would fly... how independent she would become, and how quickly... I had no idea that there would be times that I was so terrified, or over-joyed by something that she had done, or that had happened...

I was clueless about so many things... and 18 months later, I still am... but one thing I do know for certain, my Goose has grown from a tiny little 6lb screaming red bundle, to a 20ish lb curly-haired, chubby-cheeked, smiling, happy little whirlwind... and that whether she's in the middle of a terrible-two's temper tantrum, sitting still long enough to give Momma a hug & kiss before saying goodbye for the day, consenting to let me snuggle her before bed, or sleeping, she is the love of my life, the reason I was created, and she's my entire heart.
Hubs and I had no idea just how lucky we were 18 months and 3 days ago... and 18 months later, we have only an inkling of just how much joy she's brought, and will continue to bring, to our lives...

Happy Half-Birthday Goose (3 days late... surprise, surprise) ;) We love you so much. ~Momma & Papa

slacker momblogger

that's me! I need to post soon... I've got so many things to say... just need the time to say them!

listening...

it's almost 2am... my alarm will be going off in 4 short hours... yet I sit here, one small room away, listening... I hear the mechanical noise of the projector casting fish across her ceiling, and the lullaby playing softly, I can hear her moans and cries from here, but that's not what I'm listening for... the baby monitor is in front of me... I watch the pendulum tick across the face of the screen indicating her movement... I stare at the temperature reading wondering if she's comfortable... I listen to her movements, her raspy breaths, the small cough, and wait... and wonder... is it the heater causing her to cough and breathe heavier, or might there be some other issue at work? she felt so warm to me earlier, but the thermometer said 98.4... she wakes up sobbing... was it a bad dream? is she in pain? I hate the not-knowing... do I take her upstairs to bed with me, knowing how cold our bedroom will be? or do I sleep in the rocker/recliner in her room, listening, waiting, wondering... soothing and comforting...she seems content, for the moment...

I'll be sleeping in her room tonight...

teething? how about teething with thrush!

sooooo yeah. I've been thinking that Goose's crankiness and waking up screaming has been just her regular cutting teeth process (which really, it's not much different from the norm when she's cutting teeth) but yesterday at her 15 month check-up upon opening G's mouth during that part of the examination our doctor (whom we absolutely LOVE) immediately said "oh! she has a bad case of thrush!" and it was INSTANT guilt for me. (thrush? what? what the hell is thrush? how does it happen? how could I not notice this? omg I'm a terrible mother!!) and when she pointed out that white film and white spots ALL OVER G's mouth, lips, tongue... all I could think was "that wasn't there yesterday... I was checking out her teeth yesterday, that was so not there!" so that relieved some of my bad momma guilt... and the Doc said "sometimes it can come on all of a sudden - like a yeast infection" which - well, they're similar right? so yeah. my poor Goose. cutting teeth and thrush. what a great combo. we picked up a prescription which is supposed to help clear it up soon, I sterilized all her paci's & bottle nipples last night (even though it's not contagious between people - as we're not nursing anymore I don't have to worry about getting it - woo hoo! 1 point for being weaned) and am wondering about sterilizing her toothbrush - or just tossing it & getting a new one (anyone have experience & words of wisdom here?)

also yesterday - at 15.5 months old, Goose is weighing in at a whopping 18 pounds 2 ounces (under the 5th percentile) and measuring just over 30 inches (in the 25th percentile) - no wonder she's still wearing 9 month & 12 month clothes... and that her pants - no matter what size! - are either fitting in the waist, but look like highwaters, or long enough and falling off her bum... ah well, could be worse right? ;) also discussed with our doctor G's walking, stair climbing, running, talking, etc. and looks like we're doing great developmentally as well as physically... so thankful to have a healthy toddler! she's going to hate being in a rear-facing carseat for the rest of her life isn't she?

yesterday was also traumatic for her because she had to get shots... yes I know, she's 15 months old, and has been getting immunizations every 3 months since birth... except for her 12 month appointment when she had a cold, so we held those off until yesterday... the reason it was so traumatic after so many other shots? we're weaned. yeah. previously, we've nursed through the process of getting the immunizations... G was pause - sometimes let out a small cry - then go right back to nursing... barely phased her (oh, and we're mean - we don't give her Tylenol or Motrin before shots... we're trying to keep her drug free as much as possible ya know?) but yesterday... there was no nursing. just me, holding her close on my lap, keeping her arms tucked in out of the nurse's way while trying to keep G focused on the book I was reading to her... no such luck. she watched as the nurse (whom we also LOVE!) poked that first needle into her chunky little thigh, and then.... bloodcurdling screams ensued. (the nurse even took a few minutes between the second & third shots - which were in opposite legs - to give Goose a chance to catch her breath, because those screams were only coming out... no air was going back in!) my poor Goose. she cried a few more minutes after the nurse left the room, then let me get her dressed and we headed out...

she did great the rest of the day/night as we visited my office and headed home, she ate well, got to bed at a decent hour, slept well... and I pre-warned her daycare about the thrush & 4 shots... okayed Motrin if she's bad, and asked to call for an early pick-up if she's just miserable (I'm not hoping for that - as I don't want her to be miserable, but I wouldn't mind another early day and cuddling my Goose!)

so yeah. how's that for a fun Tuesday?