a mother's worst fear...

This is my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post hosted by all.things.fadra. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post below.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

I'm apologizing in advance for yet another depressing post... wow three in a row, that must be a record for me... I suck.

I found out this morning that a friend and former co-worker of my sister is currently at the hospital with her teenage son who was in a car accident last night... a very, very, bad car accident. He was with 4 other teenagers, and the vehicle hit a tree at 120mph. The driver was drunk and has been arrested, but apparently walked away without serious injuries... the passenger was also released from the hospital today... the other two teenagers in the backseat with the friend's son were killed, and the friend's son? was ejected from the car and thrown 30 feet. he's currently on life support. the doctor's say he has no brain activity and he's messed up pretty bad... he's a senior in high school... and his mom may soon have to make the decision to take him off life support... it's a double hit of a mother's worst fear... not only the loss of a child, but having to decide not to continue the life-saving machines that are keeping him alive...

my heart absolutely breaks for her... my prayers are with her and their family, and I'm wishing for a miracle for them. God provides miracles every day, so I'm not giving up hope yet. He will do as He sees fit, and I'm praying that He surrounds the family with His love in this difficult, heartbreaking time.

sometimes I can't stop them...

the fears... and the tears... yesterday I blogged about how the fear gets me from the perspective of the "cop's wife" part of me... this post was brought on by the recent fatalities of Law Enforcement Officers - LEO's - all over the country... 11 (or was it 13?) in just 24 hours? 15 fatalities of LEO's already this year? You can read that post if you'd like HERE. and then last night? I had a dream... I only remember parts of it... but they are the worst parts... the parts I remember... the parts that bring the fear to the surface...

in this dream I'm not getting "the call" or a visit from other officers telling me that hubs isn't coming home... instead we're at the funeral service, and I'm standing in front of Hubs' casket, holding Goose, who is trying to get out of my arms to snuggle with Papa... Papa who will soon be buried and physically gone... she wants her Papa, wants him to tickle her, pretend to be sleeping only to growl and munch on her little cheeks and under her chin, but he can't... and he never will again. She struggles to reach him, to tickle him, to give him hugs and kisses, but I can't let her... it breaks my heart.


we're home alone... just us two... she's asking me "where Papa go? where Papa go Momma? Papa wook?" and I can't answer... my stomach is in knots... the lump is in my throat... and I don't know what to say... how do I tell her that Papa is gone... she's only 2... how do it I do it... I hold her as I cry... she's so confused... she can't understand... I can't understand...

and then her cries wake me... Hubs is sleeping next to me, the dog is curled up at my feet... I quickly go down the stairs to snuggle my Goose into my arms... and then back upstairs we go, snuggling her into our bed between Papa & Momma... I snuggle her close and drift back off into a dreamless sleep...

most nights I don't dream, or don't remember that I have... but sometimes they come, and they cause me such sadness and pain, so much that it's hard to remember that it is just a dream... and I can't stop them...

Momma FAIL

big.time.FAIL. but let me set-the scene before I tell you how I earned a Worst Mother of The Year Award on Friday night/Saturday morning...

Friday night was Girls Night Out with some friends (the first since Goose was born I think!!) I went to dinner & a movie with several friends (and talked my sister into coming as well) - I think there were about a dozen of us. My friend L & I rode together, as I dropped Goose off at L&C's house to hang out with their toddler Bug until hubs got in from ice fishing and joined them. We did dinner, saw the movie, chatted for a bit afterwards in the car while my sister's car warmed up (it was soooooo cold Friday night!! brrrr!!) and I got home about 12:20am... Goose was asleep in her bed, hubs was watching TV in bed and we were quickly asleep.

At some point I shut off the baby monitor. I have no idea when, but I must have done it, as it was next to me, and on when I went to sleep, but off when we woke up. Keep in mind I was really, really exhausted (my own fault) because I'd been up WAY late every night all week long (stupid Facebook and Twitter addictions, oh and also - books. they get me every time.) so I don't know if it was the exhaustion, the alcohol (kidding, I had most of one mudslide with dinner, nothing else!) or what - but apparently, I turned off the monitor.

4:00am Hubs wakes us both up by sitting up in bed and saying "is that Goose?" there was a faint screaming to be heard from downstairs over the droning sounds of the heater, humidifier and fan - and through the bedroom door. I jump out of bed and head downstairs - bleary-eyed, half asleep, only to notice as I get toward the bottom of the stair well that Goose's bedroom door is open... it was shut when I went to bed... and my poor screaming, terrified Goose was standing in the pitch-black between the living room and kitchen sobbing... she couldn't hear me over her screams, so when she turned to see me she jumped about a mile... I felt horrible... I ran to her and she snuggled into me still sobbing... Hubs was right behind me and he was.not.happy. He tried to take her from me to give her a hug so I could get her sippy of water for her and she screamed and struggled to get out of his arms and back into mine... seriously, the guilt was rough... even worse, Hubs was so angry (because it was the first time he had put her to bed in her own bed, and she woke up like that - he was certain that she would never let him put her to bed again) and he was making comments like "why did you do that?" and "I can't believe you would just shut it off, how long do you think she was screaming for us?" ummm hello? I didn't do it on purpose!! and thanks, I feel badly enough on my own, I don't need any help from YOU in that area.

We took her back to bed with us, and it was at least 30 minutes before she had calmed down enough to get the "hitch" out of her breath... even longer before she succumbed to sleep... I.felt.horrible. Luckily, she's a toddler, and she forgives (and forgets? I'm hoping!!) easily... she napped well in her room on Saturday, slept well in there Saturday night, and did pretty well in there again last night (she woke up at some point and started fussing, and Hubs brought her back to bed with us - but I have no idea what time it was!)

We really don't have any idea how long she was screaming for... she usually stays in her bed until we come get her, but I don't know who long she would have waited, usually we're getting to her within just a minute or two... plus she had opened her door, and gone through the living room to stand near the kitchen (I'm amazed she didn't come upstairs - but thankful! that's why we keep her door shut at night, so she doesn't try to come up & possibly fall down them in the dark) sooo... I 'm hoping it wasn't longer than 15-20 minutes, but with as upset as she was, I can't be sure... also, there's a niggling little feeling in the back of my head that I heard something around 2am... I'm hoping it was my phone indicating an email or something, and not the monitor that I turned off...

sooo... there it is. My big FAIL of the weekend. *sigh* hoping to NOT have another one like that anytime soon...

731 days ago...

731 days ago I wasn't yet a mom… I was hours away from the moment that my life would forever be altered… 731 days ago I didn't know exactly how much love I could have for one tiny being… I hadn't been pooped on, puked on, cried on, pulled on… I hadn't nursed, cried, comforted and been comforted by one tiny being… 731 days ago I hadn't yet known just how much things would change… how some friends would slip away as our common interests had changed, and how others would form, or grow stronger because of the bonds of motherhood made us into a sisterhood… I didn't know that soon I would give my life for one tiny being if necessary, or that my husband would soon be wrapped around the teeny tiny finger of one tiny being… 731 days ago I wasn't getting up in the night to check on my baby's breathing in the first nights after coming home from the hospital… or during her first sinus infection at 9months old… I didn't know that I would co-sleep with my child for 15months… or still be semi- co-sleeping at 24… I didn't know that the terrible twos would start at 13 months… 731 days ago I didn't know if I'd be able to breastfeed… and if I could, whether or not I would be able to reach my goal of 1 year… I had no idea I'd love the bonding that comes with nursing, or that we'd be successful for 13.5 months… I didn't yet know how my baby's smile, giggle or belly laugh would light up my entire day, or that her cries would bring me to tears as well… I didn't know that my whole world would pivot and revolve solely around her happiness and well-being… 731 days ago I didn't know that hearing "momma I yove you" would melt my heart… or that seeing my husband with my daughter would bring me such joy… I didn't know the fatigue, worry and pain that I would experience during "teething" … or that growth spurts would wreak havoc on our sleep for months and months… I didn't know that one unfortunate day I would cry tears of sorrow over breastmilk that had been left out of the freezer accidentally, or how my husband would truly feel horrible over having caused the tears… 731 days ago I didn't know that I had such a huge capacity for love… and believe me, there's a LOT of love in my family… I didn't know that going overboard buying Christmas and birthday gifts would be so easy to do… I didn't know that my child would be "the biter" at daycare… or that such a wonderful combination of sweet & sassy would be found in my baby girl… 731 days ago I didn't even know that I would be having a baby girl… I didn't know that I would cry from the pain of nursing… or that I would cry when we were done… I didn't know that hearing the cries of my child from the other side of a nursery door would cause so many tears of my own… 731 days ago I didn't know the joys & frustrations of potty training… temper tantrums… toddler independence… I didn't know how much I would miss the newborn smell… the teeny tiny body and snuggles that would be gone so quickly… I didn't know that "time flies, they grow so fast" wasn't only the truth, but understatement … I didn't know how much I would regret not having done certain things when my child was still small… or how much I would learn in such a short amount of time… 731 days ago I wondered if I was prepared for this thing called motherhood… if I was going to be a good mom… if hubs was going to be a good dad.. if I was going to do anything or everything right… 731 days ago there were so many unknowns… and today, 730 days after becoming a mom… there are still so many unknowns, but also many known factors… most important among them: hubs & I are so very blessed to be parents to this child we both love so much. So very blessed. The love of a child is God's greatest gift. This I now know.

Happy 2^nd Birthday Goose. You are so very loved.

Love, Momma & Papa

knowledge is power...

or so the saying goes... and I'm hoping in this case it's true...

y'all know how we've been having biting issues, I mean, it's no secret that my previous few posts weren't exactly happy little joyful posts... they were the ramblings of a disheartened, frustrated, concerned momma... yet today, I have information. more information than I previously had, and the information is good news, and it's helpful, and (I hope) powerful... because it's going to take something powerful to get over this problem... I'm sounding cryptic confusing the hell out of you aren't I? sorry... let me explain hopefully without rambling all over & back while also confusing you even more...

okay, so in the last month I've:

• taken Goose to the doctor, chatted with doctor, left office feeling reassured that this IS normal (and also, Goose is definitely getting 2yr molars in) keep doing what we're doing, things will be okay, this too shall pass. fabulous. felt a lot better though - we love our doctor, she's AMAZING.
• wondered how long Goose would be kept secluded from the rest of the kids in her classroom, while wondering how it was affecting her, or if she even cared. (ended up being about 4ish weeks... and there was a higher level of concern for her well-being on my part the longer it lasted)
• started feeling worse about G being separated, and wondering how it was affecting her at daycare, as it was starting to cause issues at home. i.e. - very clingy, whiny, always had to be held, nightmares started again, stopped sleeping in her own bed, wouldn't let Hubs put her back to bed/sleep when waking in the night, waking more often in the night, talking less, etc.
• contacted a friend of mine who also does deep background checks on child-care providers, seminars on choosing childcare, and other matters relating to children, consulting with daycares and parents on issues they're having, and evaluating programs - to name a few, to see if she would be interested in checking out Goose's situation/daycare to see if she noticed things that the daycare was missing (this with the owner's blessing & support)
• started feeling worse about G's situation after sister attended a class on "guidance & discipline" where she was told that the separation was unacceptable, and that it would cause G serious emotional damage the longer it went on...
• cried. a lot.
• consulted with friend again, providing sister's examples and asking friend's thoughts... her thoughts: depended on how G was feeling about being separated. sometimes it bothered her, sometimes it didn't. most likely against "licensing" regulations, but alternative was most likely being kicked out and bouncing Goose around to different daycares... lesser of two evils?
• friend did official consultation, spending 4 hours one morning, and 2 hours a different afternoon in the classroom observing & taking notes. she also watched 2 hours of video we took at home so she could compare G's personality, character & actions between home & daycare. she learned LOTS. (also learned that owner of daycare watched the video before friend arrived to observe & claim the DVD... I didn't give permission, but neither did she ask it, and nor did I ask her NOT to watch it... still not sure how I feel about that whole thing...)
• had some personal issues with owner based on some mis-communication and misunderstandings on both of our parts related to consultation and costs and how we were handling the situation - was pretty shocking and out of the blue...but we're okay now... (I think)
• calmed sister who was getting very aggressive about Goose's situation (on G's behalf of course...) she felt better after hearing friend had been in to evaluate & observe
• chatted a few times with friend answering questions about thing Goose did or didn't do at home, at school, on the video, etc.... chatted with sister about things friend observed to see if she had noticed any of the same things (she had! bad momma - I hadn't!!)
• was given some additional info from sister (she has connections as well - to DHS Department of Human Services and Early On Assistance Program) about Goose possibly qualifying for Early On, not that they think she has a learning delay or disability exactly, (she could just be shy) or she might just not have the words she needs to communicate her feelings, wants & needs, or she could also have a socio-emotional or sensory disorder...
• asked friend about the Early On stuff... got her thoughts & opinions...

and finally, today, on my lunch break I chatted with her again. in about an hour she will be presenting her official report to the owner of the daycare center, and then we'll talk again, but pretty much, this is what we learned:

Goose is way smart. (which is hopefully going to be my biggest problem with her for many years to come - in that she's always thinking, and thinking about how to manipulate the situation to get the outcome she wants... she's a smarty pants... too smart for her britches!! she's also very strong - which is unrelated, but still, there it is.) It appears that Goose enjoys playing with her friends at times, but she also really enjoys playing without her friends quite often. however, she doesn't have the communication skills to relay this information, and when overwhelmed she instead bites. well, she gives a few signals first... when she's feeling overwhelmed, anxious or frustrated she pulls on her fingers... when she's bored or trying to avoid listening she licks her lips. a.lot. (I'm not talking just a lick of the lips. I'm talking a full-on as-far-as-the-tongue-will-reach swiping of the lips... multiple times - so much that her lips and surrounding face-area were getting multiple-a-day applications of lanolin to combat the chapping) and also - she chews her tongue in these situations as well. (I'd noticed the lip-licking, but not the finger pulling or chewing on lips, cheeks & tongue... friend explained that she just might not DO these things at home, as she is less likely to get to those feelings having less competition for adult attention, and toys, etc... made me feel a little better, but still, I started watching for it at home... only saw any finger pulling once, and no chewing.)

It isn't related to her teething, and it's not even a reaction to frustration - as there were several instances where she was pushed, knocked down or had a toy taken from her (all things that would often lead to a bite in many situations, with many kids) and she didn't even react at all... her teachers told my friend that there were times when she would be playing or snuggling with another child, and be perfectly happy, and THAT is when the bite would occur... she was also observed getting anxious when surrounded by too many kids, after playing with one or two for a little while - like she was tired of playing with them, and ready to play by herself - but didn't know how to tell anyone... soooo...

We're going to work on making sure her teachers & caretakers are aware of (and on the lookout for) her "signals" and we're also going to work on helping her with her communication skills - both sign and verbal... and I think I'm also going to contact Early On to see if they can at least check things out and see what they think. (friend said that she actually might not qualify, as she's sooo smart, and she doesn't think there is any type of developmental delay, but that they might be able to help with the communication issues, and it never hurts to ask!) So. that's my power. I mean knowledge. which I hope is power. and powerful. because I'm tired of all the biting, the stress, the worry, concern, frustration... oh, and of sleeping with a toddler who moves like crazy in the night.*

So, we'll see where this power knowledge gets us... keeping my fingers crossed, and my prayers coming...and I'm interested and curious as to how the owner will react to the report, and where we will go from here... now I'm anxious to hear how that meeting goes!

*when I say "moves like crazy" you can read that as in CLIMBS, ROLLS, KICKS, SMACKS, ELBOWS, LAYS ON MY HEAD and more of the like... ALL.WHILE.ASLEEP. *sigh* oh well, she won't be sleeping with me when she's 5... right? right?

my heart aches...

I sit here and complain about issues we're having, sleep we're losing, things that are bothersome, but easy to deal with, and they're a normal part of life... what this family is going through, is not bothersome. it's not a normal part of life. well, death is, but no parent should have to deal with the death of their child/ren... and to read the posts, and see that their faith is still so strong in the face of so much sadness, and wrongness... it's just heartbreaking, and also inspiring... please, if you're a prayerful person, keep the Matthews family and little Ezra in your prayers... they need all that they can get...

it gets worse before it gets better?

I think I've heard that before? I'm really hoping that it's true, and that the worst is here & gone quickly... in 21 months of parenting (tomorrow) I think this is definitely my most trying time... Saturday while at my parents' house Goose was playing with my niece CJ unsupervised and bit her, hard. Hard enough that she still had marks, missing skin & little scabs yesterday, 2 days after the fact... my sister &I got into a big fight about it, because she & BIL didn't think I did/am doing enough to discipline her, and I'm not much into physical punishment (although I have tried both spanking and biting her back - as suggested to me by many, many people - neither worked anyway... she laughed when I spanked her, and bit me back when I bit her... *sigh*) G also bit children two days in a row at daycare last week, and again yesterday... and then last night while at a friend's birthday party she laid her head on my lap, then out of no-where bit ME. I'm frustrated, upset, at a loss - I just don't know to do. I try to stick with the routine they do at daycare, to keep things consistent, but even this morning her teacher told me that because the biting has increased, they are going to keep Goose a little more isolated from the rest of the class until it decreases again... which totally sucks. I'm absolutely for it, as I don't know how else to deal with the issue, and other than just kicking her out (which they aren't even considering at this point - they love her & say that she's super sweet the rest of the time, they just can't narrow down the triggers) it's the only way that they can think to get it to stop...

I get both my sister's point of view (heck, I'm upset CJ's being bit as well - I feel horrible) and also theirs at daycare (the safety of ALL the children is their top priority) and I just wish that there were some magical "cure" or something... I wish we knew the trigger, so we could take steps to prevent it/them from happening... I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I'm feeling pretty helpless also, as she almost never bites at home... and it had been a little while since she'd bitten CJ... and we'd gone three days at daycare in a row without any attempts... I thought things were getting better... they're not. They seem to be getting worse...

I did put in a call to G's doctor this morning asking for any suggestions, or advice, or ANYTHING! I'm just waiting for a call-back... I know that daycare is limited in how they discipline children (no physical punishment, etc.) and although my mom's suggestions of the things that worked with us when we misbehaved (washing mouth out with soap, squirting her in the mouth with vinegar water) might work (?) that's not something that can be done at daycare either - and happens rarely enough at home that I don't know when I might next have the opportunity to try it... but I'm up for trying almost anything at this point. well, anything short of ya know, beating my child ;)

thankfully my sister & I are okay again, not before several angry texts and lots of tears, but we're good after chatting this morning... the girls will be under constant supervision when playing together from now on (they usually are anyway, but they were left alone briefly when the latest incident occurred.) I guess I'm just going to keep praying that it gets better soon... and that this is the worst of this stage...

if it's not one thing, it's another... this bites.

literally.

we finally seemed to be done with the nightmare thing, Goose is sleeping again, fairly regularly and well (not straight through the night or anything, but a LOT better than several weeks ago) and things were getting back to normal-ish...

until yesterday morning... when I got a call from G's teacher letting me know that she'd bitten someone else... and made a second attempt... *sigh* I was bummed, as she'd been doing so well with not biting lately (of course - as soon as you think you're done, it comes back to bite you in the bum - no pun intended.) previously someone would just let me know when I picked her up that she'd had an incident or whatever, but they're making some changes in the toddler room, including a log of when biting/hitting/etc. occur, to try to track the events and see if there is a pattern perhaps... one of the other changes is that now instead of being told at the end of the day, they're now calling the parents to let them know... so yesterday morning, which had started out rough anyway - didn't improve at all. thankfully, Goose did great the rest of the day, no more incidents!

until about 10am... when I got another call... again, from G's teacher, telling me that G had bit... again. but this time - for the first time ever - she bit another child on.the.face. I'm upset. I'm frustrated. I'm concerned (both for the other child, and about Goose too.) G's teacher said that this time she and another child were really getting into each others' space, and it just happened...(teacher saw it happening from across the room, but couldn't get to them quickly enough to prevent/stop it.) What am I doing wrong? What is causing her to bite others? She almost never bites at home... almost never meaning that it's happened a few times, but I can't even recall the last time... she's been doing so well lately... maybe I jinxed her... I don't know.

thankfully her daycare is used to this type of thing in this age range, thankfully also - she's not the only one biting (ohthankgoodness) and her teachers are handling the situation as they're best able, they also reassure me that it's really NOT my fault, that there really isn't anything that I can do (well, unless she's doing it at home too, but we've covered that already, so, nothing I can do!) and that this too, shall pass... you know, eventually.

ugh. so frustrating, upsetting... *sigh* help.

nightmares?

so, what I originally chalked up to toddler-regression type sleep issues, I'm now thinking could instead be nightmares... I have no idea what in the world E would have been exposed to at this age that would cause her to have nightmares, but - it's the most likely explanation I can come up with... for example:

usually when she's hitting developmental milestones or teething & such - her sleep is crap, and when she is awake she's clingy, fussy, somewhat whiny.... BUT - she sleeps a bit, and when she wakes up she fusses until Hubs or I get her out of bed or grab her some milk... that's NOT how she's been the past few weeks...

lately she does NOT want to go "night night" - ever. it takes laying down with her (or cuddling/rocking her, or taking her to bed with me) to get her to fall asleep... and the whole time she's clutching my finger. and when she wakes? wow. she wakes up sobbing and gets out of bed, runs to the door, and screams & sobs as she tries to turn the knob until Hubs or I opens it to let her out... upon the opening of the door she appears with arms outstretched, wild, terrified eyes, and uncontrollable sobs... once she's in our arms however - it is like someone flipped a magic switch. she's back asleep (with or without finger in her grasp) almost immediately... kinda like "oh, I'm safe, I can sleep now"... and even if we lay together in her bed, or ours she still wakes up screaming - but she can immediately grab for me/Hubs and is right back asleep...

so, I have no idea what's going on... I thought she was too young for nightmares, but Hubs brought her up to bed with me at 5:40am yesterday, and when he came back up to kick us out so he could go to bed at 6:45am Goose was smiling in her sleep... and then she started giggling.... and she giggled some more... all while completely.asleep. I know this because Hubs tried to wake her up by tickling her, playing with her feet, her hair... nothing. she didn't budge... so I guess she was dreaming, and if she's dreaming good dreams, I guess it's just as likely that she's dreaming bad dreams... I wonder if anyone else has experienced this... I wonder if our doctor would have any words of wisdom for us...