like it was yesterday...

I sit here today, on March 11th, 2011 and think back to what I was doing 10 years right now... at this exact time I was either at work, or headed there shortly... having just finished my sister's birthday party, as she would be leaving to go back to college almost an hour and a half away in a few short hours... the whole family was over just hanging out... I remember hanging out in her room, my cousin AD and I... laying on our bellies looking at a yearbook, just talking. Talking about how things were going for him at school his sophomore year... how he & his girlfriend had broken up a week earlier, but he thought that they were getting back together, maybe even that night... we talked (again) about how I was going to pay the additional fee to get his license plate personalized, just as soon as he decided what he wanted it to say... we talked, as we had many times before, of the tattoo I was going to buy him for his 18th birthday... just a year and a half away... we hung out, had fun, I hugged him tight as he left that afternoon... I remember thinking how my cute little cousin had grown... he had grown into a charming, handsome, respectful, wonderful, funny young man... and wondering how it happened so fast...

I remember later that night... somewhere around 10:30ish when I got out of work, thinking "hey, maybe I'll swing over and hang out with AD before heading home" and then dismissing the idea in favor of a little extra time at my boyfriend (now hub's) house with him... I remember it being close to midnight, knowing that I was going to be late for my midnight curfew and calling to tell my parents without getting an answer... I remember being confused, wondering where in the world they would be near midnight on a Sunday... and then the chiming of my cell phone as it rang, my dad on the other end, telling me that he & my mom were on their way to the hospital, because AD had been in an accident... my dad asking if I wanted them to come get me... I was shaking, asking questions, getting little in the way of answers... "who was with him? was he alone? what happened?" ... my phone rang again a few minutes later, my mom - asking for bf/Hubs... telling him they were already half-way there, could he bring me over instead?

I don't remember how, but my sister's best friend ended up riding over with us...or maybe she didn't... that's fuzzy to me... Hubs driving, L in the backseat?, me curled up & rocking in the passenger seat... crying. praying. Hubs telling me that AD was going to be fine... everything was going to be fine. We entered through the ER doors, and were directed to registration... I was half-running, blindly, terrified. At the registration desk we found my dad, with my aunt - she jumped up to hug me crying, shaking her head as I asked "where is he?" and hearing "he isn't here yet" I was stunned - "what do you mean he's not here yet? where WAS he?" and my dad... pulling me away, out of the registration area, toward the main entrance, as he hugged me and said "he didn't make it Rus" in my head I hear these words again... I hear the echoes of my screams of "no! no daddy! no!" I hear him telling Hubs "get her out of here!" he didn't want my aunt to hear me... standing outside in the cold were my mom, and her other sister - they were trying to reach my cousin, who attended the same college as my sister... K is three years older, and they thought it would be best if my sister heard the news in person... K & his girlfriend were already making plans to head over to get/tell my sister, then head for the hospital... on our way out, we passed my cousin AJ and his girlfriend's father - AD's big brother... he didn't know yet... I can only imagine what seeing us must have been like for him... terrifying possibly.

I remember the rest of the hospital time-period, hanging out in a waiting room, surrounded by family, even my dad's family came to sit with us as we waited for his body to arrive... finally being allowed in to see him, how pale and still he was - this 16 year old athlete, so full of life, love, laughter... still. cold. even through the devastation there were a few smiles - as AJ squeezed AD's arm and the reflex made his hand squeeze my sister's... she about shit herself... the smiles were few & far between over the next few days, and the tears many, but the stories we told... the stories people told at his memorial service - which had to be held in the high school gymnasium to fit all those attending... all of us cousins, and some aunts and uncles, wore jeans with Metal Band Tshirts... it was what he would have wanted... we watched VHS tapes of him playing his bass guitar to "Eye of The Tiger" during the visitations, and a slideshow of photos at the service...


his headstone carries his last school photo... that sophomore year... the graphics etched in the stone include a guitar, basketball, football, track shoes... the inscription, "son, brother, friend"... it was 10 years ago today that we lost one of the most special people to have ever walked the earth... the most beloved in our family, maybe even his school... he was just that special... he was four years younger than I, but he was my best friend... and the ache in my heart today, doesn't feel ten years old... it doesn't feel like it was ten years ago that my heart broke... it feels like it was yesterday.

loving and missing you so much today, as always AD. Rock In Peace.
~ADH 11.12.1984-3.11.2001~

SOC Sunday: one or three??

This is my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post hosted by all.things.fadra. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post below.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

INTRO: This brain dump is brought on by a connversation Hubs and I have repeatedly had over the past several years... and again just this past week... timer... ready... and... GO!

I am one of two children, my sister is 19mos younger than I am, and for the most part, it was an awesome way to grow up. We had our fights and jealousies at times, but we've always been super close, and we're best friends. Hubs is the youngest (and only boy) of three... he & his sisters aren't super close, but Hubs is kinda antisocial and a homebody, so that's partly to blame I think ;) All growing up I've always wanted two kids. I didn't want an only child, because I loved having a sibling, but I didn't want three, as I thought one would always be left out... so I'd decided long ago, two kids was it. Well, Hubs has always said "one, or three" and I still don't get his logic... I mean, his logic for wanting three (excuse his cynical morbid cop-brain) is that if something were to happen to one of them, they wouldn't be left alone... okay, I guess I can see where that would be "logical" if you think like that (I don't generally, and I've had a LOT of tragic way-too-early deaths in my family) but then where does that leave us if we were to have one child? if something happens to that ONE child - then what are we left with?? and why would anyone want that?? (*not why would someone want just one child, why one child when you think like Hubs does...)

wow. time went faster than my fingers...

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Who Do You Choose?

This is my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post hosted by all.things.fadra. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post below.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

INTRO: This brain dump is brought on by a blog I recently came upon written by a woman who lost her sister & brother in law in a car accident, with their 6wk old infant being the only survivor... she, and her husband, are now raising their niece, along with their two children... also contributing - the movie Life As We Know It which I watched twice on Friday night... these things have been swirling through my head, time to dump them out, and see if I've learned anything I guess... timer... ready... and... GO!

so we haven't drawn up a will or anything... when Goose was new still we started a Living Trust - but then we got to some of the tough questions, like "who will raise your child if you both die" type questions, and that's when we stopped... Goose just turned two, and we haven't finished the LT... which freaks me out a bit. I don't want to be morbid or anything, but honestly - car accidents, shootings, freak accidents... they happen every day... plus, Hubs is a cop. I mean, c'mon... he puts his life on the line every single day - for real. the chances of something happening to both of us are slimmer, but still there... I know who I want to raise Goose if that ever happens, but we don't have it in writing... and we should. Not only for Goose's protection, but for the peace of mind it will give us... I don't want the courts to get her, not for one single second... I want her with those who love her best, aside from us of course... time to just do it. stop stalling,

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Guilty

This is my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post hosted by all.things.fadra. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post below.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Guilty. that's how I'm feeling right now. for several different reasons. earlier I had a few brief moments of jealousy for people who aren't wives and mothers. people who can actually be selfish, put themselves first, do what THEY want to do, instead of what their spouse or children need/want of them. I know that this happens to lots of people, and it only lasted for a few moments, but the guilt part? this jealousy thing - was brought on by a teeny-bopper kids show on Disney that caught my attention... and Goose - she wanted to watch Dora. seriously? SERIOUSLY? I'm throwing a hissy fit over a DISNEY show? ugh. what in the world have I become. but the guilt actually then got worse. because a few minutes later as I rocked my Goose to sleep for her nap, I started thinking about all of my friends, family, and so many acquaintances who would kill to be in my shoes. I thought of my sister, who just before Christmas miscarried her second child...

*holy crap that went by fast.

a mother's worst fear...

This is my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post hosted by all.things.fadra. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post below.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

I'm apologizing in advance for yet another depressing post... wow three in a row, that must be a record for me... I suck.

I found out this morning that a friend and former co-worker of my sister is currently at the hospital with her teenage son who was in a car accident last night... a very, very, bad car accident. He was with 4 other teenagers, and the vehicle hit a tree at 120mph. The driver was drunk and has been arrested, but apparently walked away without serious injuries... the passenger was also released from the hospital today... the other two teenagers in the backseat with the friend's son were killed, and the friend's son? was ejected from the car and thrown 30 feet. he's currently on life support. the doctor's say he has no brain activity and he's messed up pretty bad... he's a senior in high school... and his mom may soon have to make the decision to take him off life support... it's a double hit of a mother's worst fear... not only the loss of a child, but having to decide not to continue the life-saving machines that are keeping him alive...

my heart absolutely breaks for her... my prayers are with her and their family, and I'm wishing for a miracle for them. God provides miracles every day, so I'm not giving up hope yet. He will do as He sees fit, and I'm praying that He surrounds the family with His love in this difficult, heartbreaking time.

sometimes I can't stop them...

the fears... and the tears... yesterday I blogged about how the fear gets me from the perspective of the "cop's wife" part of me... this post was brought on by the recent fatalities of Law Enforcement Officers - LEO's - all over the country... 11 (or was it 13?) in just 24 hours? 15 fatalities of LEO's already this year? You can read that post if you'd like HERE. and then last night? I had a dream... I only remember parts of it... but they are the worst parts... the parts I remember... the parts that bring the fear to the surface...

in this dream I'm not getting "the call" or a visit from other officers telling me that hubs isn't coming home... instead we're at the funeral service, and I'm standing in front of Hubs' casket, holding Goose, who is trying to get out of my arms to snuggle with Papa... Papa who will soon be buried and physically gone... she wants her Papa, wants him to tickle her, pretend to be sleeping only to growl and munch on her little cheeks and under her chin, but he can't... and he never will again. She struggles to reach him, to tickle him, to give him hugs and kisses, but I can't let her... it breaks my heart.


we're home alone... just us two... she's asking me "where Papa go? where Papa go Momma? Papa wook?" and I can't answer... my stomach is in knots... the lump is in my throat... and I don't know what to say... how do I tell her that Papa is gone... she's only 2... how do it I do it... I hold her as I cry... she's so confused... she can't understand... I can't understand...

and then her cries wake me... Hubs is sleeping next to me, the dog is curled up at my feet... I quickly go down the stairs to snuggle my Goose into my arms... and then back upstairs we go, snuggling her into our bed between Papa & Momma... I snuggle her close and drift back off into a dreamless sleep...

most nights I don't dream, or don't remember that I have... but sometimes they come, and they cause me such sadness and pain, so much that it's hard to remember that it is just a dream... and I can't stop them...

Momma FAIL

big.time.FAIL. but let me set-the scene before I tell you how I earned a Worst Mother of The Year Award on Friday night/Saturday morning...

Friday night was Girls Night Out with some friends (the first since Goose was born I think!!) I went to dinner & a movie with several friends (and talked my sister into coming as well) - I think there were about a dozen of us. My friend L & I rode together, as I dropped Goose off at L&C's house to hang out with their toddler Bug until hubs got in from ice fishing and joined them. We did dinner, saw the movie, chatted for a bit afterwards in the car while my sister's car warmed up (it was soooooo cold Friday night!! brrrr!!) and I got home about 12:20am... Goose was asleep in her bed, hubs was watching TV in bed and we were quickly asleep.

At some point I shut off the baby monitor. I have no idea when, but I must have done it, as it was next to me, and on when I went to sleep, but off when we woke up. Keep in mind I was really, really exhausted (my own fault) because I'd been up WAY late every night all week long (stupid Facebook and Twitter addictions, oh and also - books. they get me every time.) so I don't know if it was the exhaustion, the alcohol (kidding, I had most of one mudslide with dinner, nothing else!) or what - but apparently, I turned off the monitor.

4:00am Hubs wakes us both up by sitting up in bed and saying "is that Goose?" there was a faint screaming to be heard from downstairs over the droning sounds of the heater, humidifier and fan - and through the bedroom door. I jump out of bed and head downstairs - bleary-eyed, half asleep, only to notice as I get toward the bottom of the stair well that Goose's bedroom door is open... it was shut when I went to bed... and my poor screaming, terrified Goose was standing in the pitch-black between the living room and kitchen sobbing... she couldn't hear me over her screams, so when she turned to see me she jumped about a mile... I felt horrible... I ran to her and she snuggled into me still sobbing... Hubs was right behind me and he was.not.happy. He tried to take her from me to give her a hug so I could get her sippy of water for her and she screamed and struggled to get out of his arms and back into mine... seriously, the guilt was rough... even worse, Hubs was so angry (because it was the first time he had put her to bed in her own bed, and she woke up like that - he was certain that she would never let him put her to bed again) and he was making comments like "why did you do that?" and "I can't believe you would just shut it off, how long do you think she was screaming for us?" ummm hello? I didn't do it on purpose!! and thanks, I feel badly enough on my own, I don't need any help from YOU in that area.

We took her back to bed with us, and it was at least 30 minutes before she had calmed down enough to get the "hitch" out of her breath... even longer before she succumbed to sleep... I.felt.horrible. Luckily, she's a toddler, and she forgives (and forgets? I'm hoping!!) easily... she napped well in her room on Saturday, slept well in there Saturday night, and did pretty well in there again last night (she woke up at some point and started fussing, and Hubs brought her back to bed with us - but I have no idea what time it was!)

We really don't have any idea how long she was screaming for... she usually stays in her bed until we come get her, but I don't know who long she would have waited, usually we're getting to her within just a minute or two... plus she had opened her door, and gone through the living room to stand near the kitchen (I'm amazed she didn't come upstairs - but thankful! that's why we keep her door shut at night, so she doesn't try to come up & possibly fall down them in the dark) sooo... I 'm hoping it wasn't longer than 15-20 minutes, but with as upset as she was, I can't be sure... also, there's a niggling little feeling in the back of my head that I heard something around 2am... I'm hoping it was my phone indicating an email or something, and not the monitor that I turned off...

sooo... there it is. My big FAIL of the weekend. *sigh* hoping to NOT have another one like that anytime soon...

731 days ago...

731 days ago I wasn't yet a mom… I was hours away from the moment that my life would forever be altered… 731 days ago I didn't know exactly how much love I could have for one tiny being… I hadn't been pooped on, puked on, cried on, pulled on… I hadn't nursed, cried, comforted and been comforted by one tiny being… 731 days ago I hadn't yet known just how much things would change… how some friends would slip away as our common interests had changed, and how others would form, or grow stronger because of the bonds of motherhood made us into a sisterhood… I didn't know that soon I would give my life for one tiny being if necessary, or that my husband would soon be wrapped around the teeny tiny finger of one tiny being… 731 days ago I wasn't getting up in the night to check on my baby's breathing in the first nights after coming home from the hospital… or during her first sinus infection at 9months old… I didn't know that I would co-sleep with my child for 15months… or still be semi- co-sleeping at 24… I didn't know that the terrible twos would start at 13 months… 731 days ago I didn't know if I'd be able to breastfeed… and if I could, whether or not I would be able to reach my goal of 1 year… I had no idea I'd love the bonding that comes with nursing, or that we'd be successful for 13.5 months… I didn't yet know how my baby's smile, giggle or belly laugh would light up my entire day, or that her cries would bring me to tears as well… I didn't know that my whole world would pivot and revolve solely around her happiness and well-being… 731 days ago I didn't know that hearing "momma I yove you" would melt my heart… or that seeing my husband with my daughter would bring me such joy… I didn't know the fatigue, worry and pain that I would experience during "teething" … or that growth spurts would wreak havoc on our sleep for months and months… I didn't know that one unfortunate day I would cry tears of sorrow over breastmilk that had been left out of the freezer accidentally, or how my husband would truly feel horrible over having caused the tears… 731 days ago I didn't know that I had such a huge capacity for love… and believe me, there's a LOT of love in my family… I didn't know that going overboard buying Christmas and birthday gifts would be so easy to do… I didn't know that my child would be "the biter" at daycare… or that such a wonderful combination of sweet & sassy would be found in my baby girl… 731 days ago I didn't even know that I would be having a baby girl… I didn't know that I would cry from the pain of nursing… or that I would cry when we were done… I didn't know that hearing the cries of my child from the other side of a nursery door would cause so many tears of my own… 731 days ago I didn't know the joys & frustrations of potty training… temper tantrums… toddler independence… I didn't know how much I would miss the newborn smell… the teeny tiny body and snuggles that would be gone so quickly… I didn't know that "time flies, they grow so fast" wasn't only the truth, but understatement … I didn't know how much I would regret not having done certain things when my child was still small… or how much I would learn in such a short amount of time… 731 days ago I wondered if I was prepared for this thing called motherhood… if I was going to be a good mom… if hubs was going to be a good dad.. if I was going to do anything or everything right… 731 days ago there were so many unknowns… and today, 730 days after becoming a mom… there are still so many unknowns, but also many known factors… most important among them: hubs & I are so very blessed to be parents to this child we both love so much. So very blessed. The love of a child is God's greatest gift. This I now know.

Happy 2^nd Birthday Goose. You are so very loved.

Love, Momma & Papa

knowledge is power...

or so the saying goes... and I'm hoping in this case it's true...

y'all know how we've been having biting issues, I mean, it's no secret that my previous few posts weren't exactly happy little joyful posts... they were the ramblings of a disheartened, frustrated, concerned momma... yet today, I have information. more information than I previously had, and the information is good news, and it's helpful, and (I hope) powerful... because it's going to take something powerful to get over this problem... I'm sounding cryptic confusing the hell out of you aren't I? sorry... let me explain hopefully without rambling all over & back while also confusing you even more...

okay, so in the last month I've:

• taken Goose to the doctor, chatted with doctor, left office feeling reassured that this IS normal (and also, Goose is definitely getting 2yr molars in) keep doing what we're doing, things will be okay, this too shall pass. fabulous. felt a lot better though - we love our doctor, she's AMAZING.
• wondered how long Goose would be kept secluded from the rest of the kids in her classroom, while wondering how it was affecting her, or if she even cared. (ended up being about 4ish weeks... and there was a higher level of concern for her well-being on my part the longer it lasted)
• started feeling worse about G being separated, and wondering how it was affecting her at daycare, as it was starting to cause issues at home. i.e. - very clingy, whiny, always had to be held, nightmares started again, stopped sleeping in her own bed, wouldn't let Hubs put her back to bed/sleep when waking in the night, waking more often in the night, talking less, etc.
• contacted a friend of mine who also does deep background checks on child-care providers, seminars on choosing childcare, and other matters relating to children, consulting with daycares and parents on issues they're having, and evaluating programs - to name a few, to see if she would be interested in checking out Goose's situation/daycare to see if she noticed things that the daycare was missing (this with the owner's blessing & support)
• started feeling worse about G's situation after sister attended a class on "guidance & discipline" where she was told that the separation was unacceptable, and that it would cause G serious emotional damage the longer it went on...
• cried. a lot.
• consulted with friend again, providing sister's examples and asking friend's thoughts... her thoughts: depended on how G was feeling about being separated. sometimes it bothered her, sometimes it didn't. most likely against "licensing" regulations, but alternative was most likely being kicked out and bouncing Goose around to different daycares... lesser of two evils?
• friend did official consultation, spending 4 hours one morning, and 2 hours a different afternoon in the classroom observing & taking notes. she also watched 2 hours of video we took at home so she could compare G's personality, character & actions between home & daycare. she learned LOTS. (also learned that owner of daycare watched the video before friend arrived to observe & claim the DVD... I didn't give permission, but neither did she ask it, and nor did I ask her NOT to watch it... still not sure how I feel about that whole thing...)
• had some personal issues with owner based on some mis-communication and misunderstandings on both of our parts related to consultation and costs and how we were handling the situation - was pretty shocking and out of the blue...but we're okay now... (I think)
• calmed sister who was getting very aggressive about Goose's situation (on G's behalf of course...) she felt better after hearing friend had been in to evaluate & observe
• chatted a few times with friend answering questions about thing Goose did or didn't do at home, at school, on the video, etc.... chatted with sister about things friend observed to see if she had noticed any of the same things (she had! bad momma - I hadn't!!)
• was given some additional info from sister (she has connections as well - to DHS Department of Human Services and Early On Assistance Program) about Goose possibly qualifying for Early On, not that they think she has a learning delay or disability exactly, (she could just be shy) or she might just not have the words she needs to communicate her feelings, wants & needs, or she could also have a socio-emotional or sensory disorder...
• asked friend about the Early On stuff... got her thoughts & opinions...

and finally, today, on my lunch break I chatted with her again. in about an hour she will be presenting her official report to the owner of the daycare center, and then we'll talk again, but pretty much, this is what we learned:

Goose is way smart. (which is hopefully going to be my biggest problem with her for many years to come - in that she's always thinking, and thinking about how to manipulate the situation to get the outcome she wants... she's a smarty pants... too smart for her britches!! she's also very strong - which is unrelated, but still, there it is.) It appears that Goose enjoys playing with her friends at times, but she also really enjoys playing without her friends quite often. however, she doesn't have the communication skills to relay this information, and when overwhelmed she instead bites. well, she gives a few signals first... when she's feeling overwhelmed, anxious or frustrated she pulls on her fingers... when she's bored or trying to avoid listening she licks her lips. a.lot. (I'm not talking just a lick of the lips. I'm talking a full-on as-far-as-the-tongue-will-reach swiping of the lips... multiple times - so much that her lips and surrounding face-area were getting multiple-a-day applications of lanolin to combat the chapping) and also - she chews her tongue in these situations as well. (I'd noticed the lip-licking, but not the finger pulling or chewing on lips, cheeks & tongue... friend explained that she just might not DO these things at home, as she is less likely to get to those feelings having less competition for adult attention, and toys, etc... made me feel a little better, but still, I started watching for it at home... only saw any finger pulling once, and no chewing.)

It isn't related to her teething, and it's not even a reaction to frustration - as there were several instances where she was pushed, knocked down or had a toy taken from her (all things that would often lead to a bite in many situations, with many kids) and she didn't even react at all... her teachers told my friend that there were times when she would be playing or snuggling with another child, and be perfectly happy, and THAT is when the bite would occur... she was also observed getting anxious when surrounded by too many kids, after playing with one or two for a little while - like she was tired of playing with them, and ready to play by herself - but didn't know how to tell anyone... soooo...

We're going to work on making sure her teachers & caretakers are aware of (and on the lookout for) her "signals" and we're also going to work on helping her with her communication skills - both sign and verbal... and I think I'm also going to contact Early On to see if they can at least check things out and see what they think. (friend said that she actually might not qualify, as she's sooo smart, and she doesn't think there is any type of developmental delay, but that they might be able to help with the communication issues, and it never hurts to ask!) So. that's my power. I mean knowledge. which I hope is power. and powerful. because I'm tired of all the biting, the stress, the worry, concern, frustration... oh, and of sleeping with a toddler who moves like crazy in the night.*

So, we'll see where this power knowledge gets us... keeping my fingers crossed, and my prayers coming...and I'm interested and curious as to how the owner will react to the report, and where we will go from here... now I'm anxious to hear how that meeting goes!

*when I say "moves like crazy" you can read that as in CLIMBS, ROLLS, KICKS, SMACKS, ELBOWS, LAYS ON MY HEAD and more of the like... ALL.WHILE.ASLEEP. *sigh* oh well, she won't be sleeping with me when she's 5... right? right?