Sunday, January 30, 2011

a mother's worst fear...

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I'm apologizing in advance for yet another depressing post... wow three in a row, that must be a record for me... I suck.

I found out this morning that a friend and former co-worker of my sister is currently at the hospital with her teenage son who was in a car accident last night... a very, very, bad car accident. He was with 4 other teenagers, and the vehicle hit a tree at 120mph. The driver was drunk and has been arrested, but apparently walked away without serious injuries... the passenger was also released from the hospital today... the other two teenagers in the backseat with the friend's son were killed, and the friend's son? was ejected from the car and thrown 30 feet. he's currently on life support. the doctor's say he has no brain activity and he's messed up pretty bad... he's a senior in high school... and his mom may soon have to make the decision to take him off life support... it's a double hit of a mother's worst fear... not only the loss of a child, but having to decide not to continue the life-saving machines that are keeping him alive...

my heart absolutely breaks for her... my prayers are with her and their family, and I'm wishing for a miracle for them. God provides miracles every day, so I'm not giving up hope yet. He will do as He sees fit, and I'm praying that He surrounds the family with His love in this difficult, heartbreaking time.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

sometimes I can't stop them...

the fears... and the tears... yesterday I blogged about how the fear gets me from the perspective of the "cop's wife" part of me... this post was brought on by the recent fatalities of Law Enforcement Officers - LEO's - all over the country... 11 (or was it 13?) in just 24 hours? 15 fatalities of LEO's already this year? You can read that post if you'd like HERE. and then last night? I had a dream... I only remember parts of it... but they are the worst parts... the parts I remember... the parts that bring the fear to the surface...

in this dream I'm not getting "the call" or a visit from other officers telling me that hubs isn't coming home... instead we're at the funeral service, and I'm standing in front of Hubs' casket, holding Goose, who is trying to get out of my arms to snuggle with Papa... Papa who will soon be buried and physically gone... she wants her Papa, wants him to tickle her, pretend to be sleeping only to growl and munch on her little cheeks and under her chin, but he can't... and he never will again. She struggles to reach him, to tickle him, to give him hugs and kisses, but I can't let her... it breaks my heart.


we're home alone... just us two... she's asking me "where Papa go? where Papa go Momma? Papa wook?" and I can't answer... my stomach is in knots... the lump is in my throat... and I don't know what to say... how do I tell her that Papa is gone... she's only 2... how do it I do it... I hold her as I cry... she's so confused... she can't understand... I can't understand...

and then her cries wake me... Hubs is sleeping next to me, the dog is curled up at my feet... I quickly go down the stairs to snuggle my Goose into my arms... and then back upstairs we go, snuggling her into our bed between Papa & Momma... I snuggle her close and drift back off into a dreamless sleep...

most nights I don't dream, or don't remember that I have... but sometimes they come, and they cause me such sadness and pain, so much that it's hard to remember that it is just a dream... and I can't stop them...

Monday, January 24, 2011

Momma FAIL

big.time.FAIL. but let me set-the scene before I tell you how I earned a Worst Mother of The Year Award on Friday night/Saturday morning...

Friday night was Girls Night Out with some friends (the first since Goose was born I think!!) I went to dinner & a movie with several friends (and talked my sister into coming as well) - I think there were about a dozen of us. My friend L & I rode together, as I dropped Goose off at L&C's house to hang out with their toddler Bug until hubs got in from ice fishing and joined them. We did dinner, saw the movie, chatted for a bit afterwards in the car while my sister's car warmed up (it was soooooo cold Friday night!! brrrr!!) and I got home about 12:20am... Goose was asleep in her bed, hubs was watching TV in bed and we were quickly asleep.

At some point I shut off the baby monitor. I have no idea when, but I must have done it, as it was next to me, and on when I went to sleep, but off when we woke up. Keep in mind I was really, really exhausted (my own fault) because I'd been up WAY late every night all week long (stupid Facebook and Twitter addictions, oh and also - books. they get me every time.) so I don't know if it was the exhaustion, the alcohol (kidding, I had most of one mudslide with dinner, nothing else!) or what - but apparently, I turned off the monitor.

4:00am Hubs wakes us both up by sitting up in bed and saying "is that Goose?" there was a faint screaming to be heard from downstairs over the droning sounds of the heater, humidifier and fan - and through the bedroom door. I jump out of bed and head downstairs - bleary-eyed, half asleep, only to notice as I get toward the bottom of the stair well that Goose's bedroom door is open... it was shut when I went to bed... and my poor screaming, terrified Goose was standing in the pitch-black between the living room and kitchen sobbing... she couldn't hear me over her screams, so when she turned to see me she jumped about a mile... I felt horrible... I ran to her and she snuggled into me still sobbing... Hubs was right behind me and he was.not.happy. He tried to take her from me to give her a hug so I could get her sippy of water for her and she screamed and struggled to get out of his arms and back into mine... seriously, the guilt was rough... even worse, Hubs was so angry (because it was the first time he had put her to bed in her own bed, and she woke up like that - he was certain that she would never let him put her to bed again) and he was making comments like "why did you do that?" and "I can't believe you would just shut it off, how long do you think she was screaming for us?" ummm hello? I didn't do it on purpose!! and thanks, I feel badly enough on my own, I don't need any help from YOU in that area.

We took her back to bed with us, and it was at least 30 minutes before she had calmed down enough to get the "hitch" out of her breath... even longer before she succumbed to sleep... I.felt.horrible. Luckily, she's a toddler, and she forgives (and forgets? I'm hoping!!) easily... she napped well in her room on Saturday, slept well in there Saturday night, and did pretty well in there again last night (she woke up at some point and started fussing, and Hubs brought her back to bed with us - but I have no idea what time it was!)

We really don't have any idea how long she was screaming for... she usually stays in her bed until we come get her, but I don't know who long she would have waited, usually we're getting to her within just a minute or two... plus she had opened her door, and gone through the living room to stand near the kitchen (I'm amazed she didn't come upstairs - but thankful! that's why we keep her door shut at night, so she doesn't try to come up & possibly fall down them in the dark) sooo... I 'm hoping it wasn't longer than 15-20 minutes, but with as upset as she was, I can't be sure... also, there's a niggling little feeling in the back of my head that I heard something around 2am... I'm hoping it was my phone indicating an email or something, and not the monitor that I turned off...

sooo... there it is. My big FAIL of the weekend. *sigh* hoping to NOT have another one like that anytime soon...

Thursday, January 6, 2011

731 days ago...

731 days ago I wasn't yet a mom… I was hours away from the moment that my life would forever be altered… 731 days ago I didn't know exactly how much love I could have for one tiny being… I hadn't been pooped on, puked on, cried on, pulled on… I hadn't nursed, cried, comforted and been comforted by one tiny being… 731 days ago I hadn't yet known just how much things would change… how some friends would slip away as our common interests had changed, and how others would form, or grow stronger because of the bonds of motherhood made us into a sisterhood… I didn't know that soon I would give my life for one tiny being if necessary, or that my husband would soon be wrapped around the teeny tiny finger of one tiny being… 731 days ago I wasn't getting up in the night to check on my baby's breathing in the first nights after coming home from the hospital… or during her first sinus infection at 9months old… I didn't know that I would co-sleep with my child for 15months… or still be semi- co-sleeping at 24… I didn't know that the terrible twos would start at 13 months… 731 days ago I didn't know if I'd be able to breastfeed… and if I could, whether or not I would be able to reach my goal of 1 year… I had no idea I'd love the bonding that comes with nursing, or that we'd be successful for 13.5 months… I didn't yet know how my baby's smile, giggle or belly laugh would light up my entire day, or that her cries would bring me to tears as well… I didn't know that my whole world would pivot and revolve solely around her happiness and well-being… 731 days ago I didn't know that hearing "momma I yove you" would melt my heart… or that seeing my husband with my daughter would bring me such joy… I didn't know the fatigue, worry and pain that I would experience during "teething" … or that growth spurts would wreak havoc on our sleep for months and months… I didn't know that one unfortunate day I would cry tears of sorrow over breastmilk that had been left out of the freezer accidentally, or how my husband would truly feel horrible over having caused the tears… 731 days ago I didn't know that I had such a huge capacity for love… and believe me, there's a LOT of love in my family… I didn't know that going overboard buying Christmas and birthday gifts would be so easy to do… I didn't know that my child would be "the biter" at daycare… or that such a wonderful combination of sweet & sassy would be found in my baby girl… 731 days ago I didn't even know that I would be having a baby girl… I didn't know that I would cry from the pain of nursing… or that I would cry when we were done… I didn't know that hearing the cries of my child from the other side of a nursery door would cause so many tears of my own… 731 days ago I didn't know the joys & frustrations of potty training… temper tantrums… toddler independence… I didn't know how much I would miss the newborn smell… the teeny tiny body and snuggles that would be gone so quickly… I didn't know that "time flies, they grow so fast" wasn't only the truth, but understatement … I didn't know how much I would regret not having done certain things when my child was still small… or how much I would learn in such a short amount of time… 731 days ago I wondered if I was prepared for this thing called motherhood… if I was going to be a good mom… if hubs was going to be a good dad.. if I was going to do anything or everything right… 731 days ago there were so many unknowns… and today, 730 days after becoming a mom… there are still so many unknowns, but also many known factors… most important among them: hubs & I are so very blessed to be parents to this child we both love so much. So very blessed. The love of a child is God's greatest gift. This I now know.
Happy 2nd Birthday Goose. You are so very loved.


Love, Momma & Papa